Cool Not Cool

Cool. Not Cool.

So I saw this on a fashion blog I read all the time.  It’s funny and a good way to get a laugh at your own expense, and right now I kinda need that in my life.

Cool – wearing my brand new red work pants.

Not Cool – having my boss say hey nice santa pants.

Cool – being told my hair looks like Kate Middleton’s today.

Not Cool – being told my hair looks like Kate Middleton’s.

Cool – getting my cheap knock off Michael Kors watch.

Not Cool – having the battery die the same day I wear it.

Cool – being able to go on FB at work.

Not Cool – being caught looking at your friends inappropriate pictures by the big boss at work.  Whoops.

Cool – My new skinny pants I am wearing right now.

Not Cool – Resisting the urge to unbutton the top button while sitting.

Happy Holidays all...cherish your love ones this season!

Heartbroken.

So it’s been crazy here.  Living so close to Sandy Hook brings so many things in to perspective about life and childhood.  I have always feared bringing children in to this world, and having to question that makes me sad.  What happens at Sandy Hook rips my heart apart, those defenseless children with fear running through them while their friends and classmates were being picked off one by one. What terror what tragedy, what hate.  What is happening to our nation?  Our innocence is ruined by the media and social networking, sending your child to school will never ever be the same.  It makes this decision to bring a child in to this hateful world so much harder.  Can a parent provide enough love, support, knowledge, sympathy to keep their child from the depths of evil?  I would worry if I’m giving my child enough love to make sure this could never happen to me, that my child could never do this to another human being.  When will this country we live in be carefree and safe again?  When will I stop to worry about things.  I’m a runner, I run in desolate areas and my thoughts are turned to being attacked someone coming after me.  I should never feel this way, so insecure.  I’m just sick with sadness for those families. 

Getting Over it.

I have this problem where I only ever think of the negative.  I have been reading blogs lately about women going through IVF and all have been lucky enough to succeed on the first try.  How great for them.  How amazing for them.  But it effects me on a whole other level.  That out of all these amazing cases, mine will be the one that won't work the first or second cycle.  I'm never that lucky or blessed.  I'm bitter and over the whole thing.  I hate this feeling.  This feeling I have always have, jealous of what others get so easily.  I feel in my life this has never been the case, nothing ever came easy for me.  And because of this thought process I knew I'd never just get pregnant, it wasn't in my DNA to just get pregnant the cheap old fashion way.  My we are scrambling to save to make this work, and while I want to really try to save it's Christmas and I like to shop, it makes me feel better, but I should be thinking of they baby that I want more than anything and why is shopping making me feel better, when spending money makes me feel bad.  I don't know, I'm just sad.  I'm sad I feel so pathetic and it seems it's no ones fault but my own.  I can fix this right?  How do I get in to the right frame of mind?  How do I move on from this funk I've been in my whole life?  How easy is it to give it up.  Next year is going to be awful, I'm terrified of the mystery that is going to come, always the unknown and worry that I will feel during this process.  It makes me sick just thinking about it. 

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Well maybe not wishing.  I'm tired.  The hubby has been in NY all week helping his employer get caught up after Super Storm Sandy.  I've had nightmares since he left, I'm reading Gone Girl.  It's causing my mind to go crazy.  Anyway, I'm waiting for my period.  I don't really know when to expect it, if I should be expecting it at all.  I am not sure if all is normal down there...in there?  I am sick of Google searching these things at work, IT must be over it too. Ha, ha. 

Anyway, not much going on in the dysfunctional body department.  Christmas is fast approaching and I can't believe it.  I have spent way more than I should have, buying N an IPad for him, not like we should spending our money frivolously.  I can't help it though, he deserves something good, for being so good to me.  I hope he will like it and not yell at me. He usually isn't great at the buying gifts for me part.  But its ok since I buy myself things all year long.  Just like today, having $200 in my shopping bag at the Gap and getting everything for $143.  I just need to pull in the reigns, I'm working on it!

SA & Overview Session

So...I'm having a hard time make N commit to a SA test.  You'd think I'm pushing him to cut it all off.  I'm sick of pushing.  I just wish men were programmed like women sometimes, that they just get shit done.  I was given a IVF binder from the doctor at my post-op appointment and that night you bet your ass I was reading it.  But when I broach the subject of reading it to N, its like pushing someone to eat dog poo.  After I read the binder, cover to cover, the following day I was completely stressed out.  How do people do this?  You're uterus is basically on call for the entire cycle, which freaks me out that I could easily f this all up. 

 

So anyway, N has to do his SA analysis this year and that way it will take care of being covered and we won't have to pay any out of pocket for it.  The best part is we live about 15 minutes from the hospital so we can take care of this at home, but I think it's nerves.  But please you don't have ten difference strangers playing looksie with your hoo-haa so just deal. Man. Up.

 

Through our hospital it is required to take an IVF Overview class.  It's a group session done by one of the practicing physcians and an embryologist from the lab, and of course it's mandatory, and of course it's only done once a month.  But it is helpful it explains the IVF process from beginning to end, which may do best for my non-reading husband.  So our session is schedule for Jan 2nd.  I would have liked to get this done in Dec, but hubby works for a delivery company and the holidays are cray-cray for him these days, so the new year it is!

Silver Lining...Sorta.

So it has been two weeks since my surgery.  It went better than expected even though the doctor had not planned on it taking 4+ hours.  And it was not fun.  Everything was ok until had to wake up.  I had to have a tubal ligation, abdominal ablation, and laparoscopy done.  It turns out my whole entire cause for not being able to get pregnant was from a burst appendicitis that happened when I was four.  I had almost died, I weighted close to nothing and the doctor misdiagnosed me for a week.  It brings up such bad memories for my parents and they feel extremely guilty that this has come back to haunt me.  My dad and mom wish they had gotten revenged on the now deceased pediatrician and sued him back when they had a chance, if only they had known what could have happened.  So I am happy and lucky to say I do not have Endometriosis, which solves the mystery of where it would come from if my mom or sister did not have it. And also why I never had severe pain if it was in stage four.  This also means I will not have to take the dreaded Lupron shot that I was prescribed, which I shelled out $150.00 bucks for that now sits in my bathroom closet.  Thanks Dr! 

 

So when I woke up at the hospital I was tired, bloated, and felt like I had to pee so bad, so the nurse puts a bedpan under me, and I'm so sleepy that it stays there for 1/2 hour because I'm afraid I'll wet the bed.  I was freezing, the heated blankets stayed warm for only so long, and I didn't want to have to move and get dressed, I wish I could have stayed there all night.  N was ready to go home, he was exhausted and looked almost as bad as me.  After a two hour recovery I was able to say I want my bed and my clothes.  N helped me changed and we made our way out of the hospital, eager to be home.  I had one entry site that leaked fluid profusively when we drove home, it was gross and my pants waist were soaked.  I changed when I got home, took a Percocet and passed out.  I was ready to go back to work in eight days and did my first yoga class last Sunday.  But I did walk a lot to keep moving.

 

I am glad that part is over.  But my tubes are gone and there is NEVER a possibility of me having a child naturally.  I am getting new insurance in 2013 where I receive a lifetime max of $7500.00, which I'll take and is better than nothing.  When I met with my doctor I was given a binder on IVF and everything that is involved.  And holy shit, I wish I wasn't so absolutely terrified of f-ing up this whole process.  I'm terrified.  How can anyone be this in tune with their body, how do people do this stressed free, or feel they can handle it. 

 

I'm at crossroads and not sure I can make it.  I'm scared to death.

Take What I Can Get

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday.  My mom came with me.  My loving caring mother who is just the best.  I pretty much felt like throwing up all morning and on the car ride over there.  I sometimes feel like this is all on me.  It's my body and I'm way over in tune with everything.  I want N to be more in tune too, but I can't force him to google and read blogs on Endo...but it would be great if he did. 

So it went well.  I got to ask a lot of questions that I didn't get to bring up last time since I was so upset.  I think sometimes the Dr feels like I may be overreacting, but why wouldn't I?  When did trying to get knocked up get so complicated?  So yes it makes me sad to think that this will always be harder and more expensive for us.  We talked about the procedure and how if my tubes were badly damanaged they were going to be removed, and then my only option for having childen would be IVF.  Cha-ching Cha-ching. 

At this appointment I knew we wouldn't be able to afford IVF for a few months.  My mom had graciously offered to help, but it's so scary to know that this is a 50/50 shot of it working and its a lot of money to put down.  But because we had wanted to wait a few months the Dr. did suggest Lupron while we wait to keep the endo from returning, and keep it at bay.  I'm nervous as hell about this, I'm concerned for my body, for my reaction to this medicine.  Terrified, I have read crazy things about it and I'm scared.  So the plan was to have this shot done same day as the surgery.

I get to work this a.m. and call my sister because at the end of the appointment the Dr. did say something about my work's insurance covering at least one round of IVF.  Not being totally clear on all this I wanted my sister to look in to it, since she has their insurance and we work for the same company.  So it looks like our insurance will cover a lifetime max of $7500.00.  So awesome a lifetime max of $7500 that doesn't even cover one full round.  I will still have to pay a deductible and anything over $7500.00 but I guess thats better than paying 10 g's out of pocket.  I guess if the first fails I'll feel better knowing that I wasn't throwing away all my and my mom's money.  So, I'm going to have to call my Dr and discuss this and possibly starting IVF in January, and hopefully I won't need Lupron for one month. 

So its a lot, I also learned that the scar tissue seen in the ultrasound could be from a rupture appendicitis I had when I was four years old.  Dr. seemed shocked and suprised I was so misdiagnosed and even more so I was in the hospital for 14 days from it.  I wish my parents had sued that stupid a-hole doctor. 

I'm stressed still.  I need to relax let go.  Live like this will all be ok.  It's just hard as hell knowing I'm not going to have it as easy as everyone else that is around me. 

In My Face...

I heard a radio ad this morning for a test beign done for people that suffer with Endometriosis.  It's weird how the world works, I have never seen or heard anything about this before through broadcasting media, but I guess when you aren't really listening you miss a lot of things.  I also feel like big brother knows when you are up to something, the evidence is there on the sidebar of my facebook page, almost every day.  Almost rubbing in the disappointment that I feel. 

I got a new necklace off of etsy last week.  Its a lil monogramed one with an N for the hubby and a lil key on it.  Granted it looks like a penis, but either way I love it.  He has been amazing through this, even though I feel like I partially failed him.  It's a hard feeling to deal with.

This must be denial, because I feel fine.

Am I crazy?  I have been reading blogs about endometriosis and infertility and I feel not in the same boat as some of these other women.  So here is the gist I crampy and bloated when I ovulate and it sucks and I never felt it before because it was masked by the pill, but it’s bearable pain and when I get home from work I put on my comfy pants and lay on the couch and I’m fine, it’s tolerable for me.  Is it a pain in the butt, yes of course, but I have always felt like I can handle this.  When my period comes I feel different each month, sometimes even though it lasts a week, I’m ok, it doesn’t wipe me out at all.  Back in August though, it was bad, I was sick from work, I was exhausted, nauseous, and sad.  But I thought again, this is normal.  I thought this was all normal, and I have no idea. 

I remember, and this still happens, when I was in my 20’s of not being able to digest things well, I’d get massive diarrhea, throwing up, and stomach rumbles after eating something and this range from steak to grilled cheese.  Was this part of it? I have no idea.  Do I have a high tolerance for pain?  These poor poor women who seem to be in excruciating pain and can’t even make it through the day, where do I fit in with this? 

My mind is boggled, I’m confused.  It’s f-ed up.  Because I have no answers as to where this came from. 

Today is my favorite days.  It’s family dinner night.  I canceled my dentist cleaning so I could be there, because it’s what I look forward to.  I have an obsessiveness with my nieces and nephew.  They are a piece of my family that I will love no matter way.I love them more than words. It makes me happy to be around all of them. I’m lucky I am so close with my siblings to be around them so much. 

Defeated.

Feeling defeated today.  I have a cold too and that makes me feel even more deflated then I already am.  I saw my dad yesterday after work, he wanted to check up on me.  Cried, again.  I just want this to be done and over with.  I’m scared.  I’m panicked.  I’m a mess.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Facebook.  The only reason I’m one it is so I can keep in touch with family, but everything else about is so obnoxious and narcissistic, like a giant brag book for the world to see.  I hate it.  I log on this a.m. to see a pic of my sister’s BIL and wife, it’s their wedding anniversary.  And they are pregnant, again.  It rips my heart.  I can’t handle this.  I can’t handle never knowing if I’ll ever have kids. 

The Word Is Out

I told my dad and brother yesterday.  About everything.  I know this isn’t that drastic/terrible, I don’t have cancer.  But I can still mourn this right? I can still be upset and sad, right?  My dad just said I need to be healthy it’s my health I need to take care of.  He’s right.  I also let my boss know last Friday.  What a relief.  He wrote me a great email: “I just want to make sure you know you have someone to talk to if needed.  I know you are not the sharing type, but if you need to, any stuff that we talk about is a one way street - comes in and doesn't go out.  

Having been "there" to some degree, I can certainly appreciate what is going on to say the least.  I will also say that these things always somehow work out in the end, you will just be taking a different path other than the traditional one.

Unless you say so, that's all I got for you besides my silent understanding and support.”

It was completely unexpected but nice.  I had asked him if he and his wife ever got a second opinion, he said no.  I am in my head about this probably more than I should, but that is better than being on the internet reading every cringe worthy story out there. 

Hubby and I talked about our “plan”, he was under the impression that we would just be kid less, but I can’t picture that for either of us, he’d be a great dad.  So once the surgery is done and my tubes are good and flowing they way they should, we will try naturally on our own, I may do acupuncture to help, but I want to really try to do this on our own, we deserve a shot.  If that doesn’t work this time next year maybe we can try IVF.  However this will have to be discussed with our doctor.  I have a feeling though that this could come back and I will be pressured in to try IVF sooner rather than later. 

I don’t know.  I feel very alone.  H has been amazing, trying to keep me laughing and entertained, I love him.  He’s been great.  I’m so very lucky.

Endo No No

So it has been two days since my lovely appointment.  I ended up taking the entire day off from work.  I was kind of a mess the entire morning, waiting and waiting for I knew what would be the worst information of my life.  It’s funny because most people would be like think positive, be optimistic.  But I always felt, deep down I couldn’t have a child.  It’s this weird thing, feeling you have.  I don’t even know why I would feel this way, maybe because everyone around me is blessed and it is so easy for them, so I knew I had to be the one where that good fortune would stop. 

So our appointment started off OK.  Lucky for me it was also the first day of my period.  Awesome.  I didn’t think they’d be doing any exam or anything so I thought I was ok.  We sat down with the Doctor and went through some questions and talked about things that are going on and what could be the problem.  And of course I stressed that we did not want to go as far as IVF.

She then says, we are going to do a Vaginal Ultra Sound on you.  GREAT. Can’t wait to bleed all over your exam table while my hubby is pretending not to notice anything that is going on.  So I’m up on the table with the Dr, a student, and a technician.  I hear the word Endometriosis and my heart sinks.  I hear a lot of scar tissue, and want to pass out.  Meanwhile, Hubby has no idea why I’m crying on the table.  It was a bloody nightmare, pun intended.  Nothing like having something entirely too big jammed up your hoo-ha when you already have your period. 

So, they tell me to get dress and meet in her office.  Hubby is still clueless, and it’s cute in a strange way to me.  I walk in to the office puffy face, red eyed and gross looking as I sit down and listen to the noise coming out of the dr’s mouth.  Stage IV Endometriosis, no kids without IVF, check your tubes, surgery.  It was all so very confusing because I couldn’t even hear what she was saying.

We left feeling completely defeated.  I couldn’t stop crying.  It was awful, the feeling of your future just slipping through your fingers.  We have told our family and a few close friends, but it hasn’t been easy. 

My dr still wanted me to get the 3^rd day cycle blood work done to make sure my hormones are in tip top shape.  The nurse said congrats, thinking I was getting blood work done to confirm pregnancy.  I just said thanks. It was awkward.

Confused About Everything.

So, my surgery is scheduled for Nov 6^th.  I’m having a hard time still trying to figure out what this all means.  Is it f-ed up that in my head I think the doctors are lying to me and just want to make mess out of my insides?  Isn’t that an insane thought? Who thinks like that?  Is it f-ed up that I don’t even know what I’m having done because I was such a hysterical mess that I can’t even remember anything after I heard the word Endometriosis?  I was never any good with asking lots of questions, I feel like the woman I know always have 20 questions for me, and my answer is “Oh, I don’t know?” With a confused look on my face.  Of course these women are all moms and maybe that comes with a being a mom, you ask a bajillion questions to make sure you understand everything, me I just shake my head. 

So I have been looking online, mainly for blogs about Endo and infertility.  I wonder how this all works, how many shots I will actually get to try and get pregnant.  If I am lucky enough to keep my insides once the surgery is done.  Scares the shit out of me, because I don’t know, what if my tubes don’t work? What if this comes back?  I just feel so confused, so lost.  I feel young and unsure and I hate it because I don’t know what is going to happen.  My dad comes home from FL on Sunday, I don’t even know what I am going to tell him, but I want him to know, but how do I even explain this?  I have to tell my boss something because I’ll be outta work for a week.  I know him and his wife used IVF twice, but I wonder why.  Did she suffer from this also?  I don’t know.  I’m full of don’t knows.  Maybe because I’m poor and my insurance sucks.  The doctor actually asked me if I was planning on finding a new job anytime soon.  Who asks that?  Last time check companies aren’t just hiring anyone these days. 

So my head hurts and I think about living with out painful periods come November.  I wonder how the blood work came out that I had one.  It scares the sh*t outta me. All of this.

Laughing In My Head

Sometimes I crack myself up.  Which I guess is a good thing in this weird strange place of continual let down once a month.  I took a pregnancy test this a.m. thinking I have been having weird stomach cramps every morning since ovulation, something I have felt I have never experienced before, so I tested, at 9 dpo.  Silly I know, especially since I know how shameful this is.  I know better.  I guess I just really wanted to pee on something.  Either way, stark white.  I wasn’t expecting it not to be that’s for sure, I had no expectations.  Just tired.   But we weren’t trying super hard this month either. 

A piece of information about myself, I’m addicted to reality TV…from the Kardashians to Real Housewives, I love them all and I can’t get enough.  So I just finished the season finale of the Kardashians, the one where Kourtney pulls yet another baby directly outta her hoo-haa and Khloe finds out she isn’t ovulating.  When I think about how bad I feel for Khloe I also think, bitch please.  You are rich you aren’t ovulating, ovulating can be stimulated and you have unlimited funds to make a baby.  It just sickens me.  You aren’t me there is no struggle for you there isn’t a line that you can’t cross because you can’t afford further treatment.   I mean, I feel bad, I definitely do.  It sucks.  I get it, but please, where is the struggle/stress for you?  Go put on your $800 Louboutin’s and get some IVF.

So that is where I am right now.  Appointment is still on for Monday.  Our insurance covers everything up to IVF.  Nervous as hell.

So It has Come To this...

So it has come to this.  I don't even really know what this is, some lame-o's would say a journey, a life decision.  I don't like any of that.  I'm not that sentimental, but maybe I should be.  Either way back to the point...I decided to start this blog to follow my life as my husband and I try to procreate, thats right make a baby.  Why has it come to this?  I have no idea, it seemed logical.  I used to write in a journal every day as a teenager, and the thought of doing that now makes me sick, I'd rather browse pinterest before I go to bed then hold a pen and paper and write down my thinkings of the day. 

A little background about me.  I'm 31 (32 in two months) hubby is 32 (33 in three months).  We have been trying for 14 months to make a baby and have been left with sleepless nights due to fun times and irritaional behavoir due to fun Ant Flow times.  Pretty awesome stuff.  I'm full of sarcasm and I hate when people can't relate to this.  So 14 months of trying.  It's been hard I mean is sex even fun when you have start timing everything?  "Oh I peed on this stick time to have sex ten times in the next few days just incase!" "Oh these weird ferns showed up on my microscope, drop your pants!"  "Honey my BBT is climbing, you can jump on now!"    Yeah, not fun when it gets to that point.  Seven months we were at those points. 

I am a pretty healthy girl as my husband is also a pretty healthy guy.  And rules state that you can't even open your mouth about infertility until you are passed the 12 month mark.  Because there is a rule book you know...to everything.  So we waited and at 12 months I was directed to an OB/GYN, I currently see a midwife for my lady bits examines and she suggested someone else to handle situation, so we took the suggestion gladly and schedule a consult with an OB/GYN she recommended.  And the best part was, when we got there our insurance covered the consult...however my verdict is sitll out, I view the claim and see that I may have to pay $108.00 outta pocked. Yesssss.  The Dr. was extremely relaxed and funny which always makes these conversations easier, I think hubby was a little nervous with a stirrup staring him down, but he did ok for his first time.  Dr. felt like yes I was ovulating and that yes we are healthy young adults, we shouldn't be having these issues, and yes, it is strange you haven't gotten at least one positive test (thanks Doc!).  So he then made a recommendation, we head to the hospital to meet with the best Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) in the state.  We agreed.  Our trip home from the appointment ended with hubby saying, "When he asked if I had any injuries to my groin I was debating telling him about falling on the jungle gym at school and not being able to walk for the rest of the day when I was seven."  Yes, this is what I sometimes I have to deal with. 

So Monday we meet with the RE for a consult.  Nervous...I hope hubby is making enough sperm, that would be upsetting for him.  However, I feel like it could be my fault and have always had this weird feeling of not being able to get pregnant.  Some may say this pessismist attitude will prevent things like this, but this is how I am.  Stop reading now adorning fans if you can't deal. 

I work for a very large company, and it just so happens many people I went to highschool with work here.  I saw an old nemesis in the cafe this a.m. and she was about 6-7 months pregnant with her second.  Is it this negative thinking that is keeping me from becoming a mommy?  The always being such a pessimist and a hater towards anything positive that I am being punished by the man upstairs?  I just don't know.  I try to lead a positive life, but I have a serious jealously issue that stems from a place I have no control over, which is bizarre because my sibilngs are the total opposite, at least that I am aware.  It's not like we sit around and talk about how jealous we are of other's good fortune.  Is that the misstep that I can't get a grip on?