Confused About Everything.

So, my surgery is scheduled for Nov 6^th.  I’m having a hard time still trying to figure out what this all means.  Is it f-ed up that in my head I think the doctors are lying to me and just want to make mess out of my insides?  Isn’t that an insane thought? Who thinks like that?  Is it f-ed up that I don’t even know what I’m having done because I was such a hysterical mess that I can’t even remember anything after I heard the word Endometriosis?  I was never any good with asking lots of questions, I feel like the woman I know always have 20 questions for me, and my answer is “Oh, I don’t know?” With a confused look on my face.  Of course these women are all moms and maybe that comes with a being a mom, you ask a bajillion questions to make sure you understand everything, me I just shake my head. 

So I have been looking online, mainly for blogs about Endo and infertility.  I wonder how this all works, how many shots I will actually get to try and get pregnant.  If I am lucky enough to keep my insides once the surgery is done.  Scares the shit out of me, because I don’t know, what if my tubes don’t work? What if this comes back?  I just feel so confused, so lost.  I feel young and unsure and I hate it because I don’t know what is going to happen.  My dad comes home from FL on Sunday, I don’t even know what I am going to tell him, but I want him to know, but how do I even explain this?  I have to tell my boss something because I’ll be outta work for a week.  I know him and his wife used IVF twice, but I wonder why.  Did she suffer from this also?  I don’t know.  I’m full of don’t knows.  Maybe because I’m poor and my insurance sucks.  The doctor actually asked me if I was planning on finding a new job anytime soon.  Who asks that?  Last time check companies aren’t just hiring anyone these days. 

So my head hurts and I think about living with out painful periods come November.  I wonder how the blood work came out that I had one.  It scares the sh*t outta me. All of this.

Laughing In My Head

Sometimes I crack myself up.  Which I guess is a good thing in this weird strange place of continual let down once a month.  I took a pregnancy test this a.m. thinking I have been having weird stomach cramps every morning since ovulation, something I have felt I have never experienced before, so I tested, at 9 dpo.  Silly I know, especially since I know how shameful this is.  I know better.  I guess I just really wanted to pee on something.  Either way, stark white.  I wasn’t expecting it not to be that’s for sure, I had no expectations.  Just tired.   But we weren’t trying super hard this month either. 

A piece of information about myself, I’m addicted to reality TV…from the Kardashians to Real Housewives, I love them all and I can’t get enough.  So I just finished the season finale of the Kardashians, the one where Kourtney pulls yet another baby directly outta her hoo-haa and Khloe finds out she isn’t ovulating.  When I think about how bad I feel for Khloe I also think, bitch please.  You are rich you aren’t ovulating, ovulating can be stimulated and you have unlimited funds to make a baby.  It just sickens me.  You aren’t me there is no struggle for you there isn’t a line that you can’t cross because you can’t afford further treatment.   I mean, I feel bad, I definitely do.  It sucks.  I get it, but please, where is the struggle/stress for you?  Go put on your $800 Louboutin’s and get some IVF.

So that is where I am right now.  Appointment is still on for Monday.  Our insurance covers everything up to IVF.  Nervous as hell.

So It has Come To this...

So it has come to this.  I don't even really know what this is, some lame-o's would say a journey, a life decision.  I don't like any of that.  I'm not that sentimental, but maybe I should be.  Either way back to the point...I decided to start this blog to follow my life as my husband and I try to procreate, thats right make a baby.  Why has it come to this?  I have no idea, it seemed logical.  I used to write in a journal every day as a teenager, and the thought of doing that now makes me sick, I'd rather browse pinterest before I go to bed then hold a pen and paper and write down my thinkings of the day. 

A little background about me.  I'm 31 (32 in two months) hubby is 32 (33 in three months).  We have been trying for 14 months to make a baby and have been left with sleepless nights due to fun times and irritaional behavoir due to fun Ant Flow times.  Pretty awesome stuff.  I'm full of sarcasm and I hate when people can't relate to this.  So 14 months of trying.  It's been hard I mean is sex even fun when you have start timing everything?  "Oh I peed on this stick time to have sex ten times in the next few days just incase!" "Oh these weird ferns showed up on my microscope, drop your pants!"  "Honey my BBT is climbing, you can jump on now!"    Yeah, not fun when it gets to that point.  Seven months we were at those points. 

I am a pretty healthy girl as my husband is also a pretty healthy guy.  And rules state that you can't even open your mouth about infertility until you are passed the 12 month mark.  Because there is a rule book you know...to everything.  So we waited and at 12 months I was directed to an OB/GYN, I currently see a midwife for my lady bits examines and she suggested someone else to handle situation, so we took the suggestion gladly and schedule a consult with an OB/GYN she recommended.  And the best part was, when we got there our insurance covered the consult...however my verdict is sitll out, I view the claim and see that I may have to pay $108.00 outta pocked. Yesssss.  The Dr. was extremely relaxed and funny which always makes these conversations easier, I think hubby was a little nervous with a stirrup staring him down, but he did ok for his first time.  Dr. felt like yes I was ovulating and that yes we are healthy young adults, we shouldn't be having these issues, and yes, it is strange you haven't gotten at least one positive test (thanks Doc!).  So he then made a recommendation, we head to the hospital to meet with the best Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) in the state.  We agreed.  Our trip home from the appointment ended with hubby saying, "When he asked if I had any injuries to my groin I was debating telling him about falling on the jungle gym at school and not being able to walk for the rest of the day when I was seven."  Yes, this is what I sometimes I have to deal with. 

So Monday we meet with the RE for a consult.  Nervous...I hope hubby is making enough sperm, that would be upsetting for him.  However, I feel like it could be my fault and have always had this weird feeling of not being able to get pregnant.  Some may say this pessismist attitude will prevent things like this, but this is how I am.  Stop reading now adorning fans if you can't deal. 

I work for a very large company, and it just so happens many people I went to highschool with work here.  I saw an old nemesis in the cafe this a.m. and she was about 6-7 months pregnant with her second.  Is it this negative thinking that is keeping me from becoming a mommy?  The always being such a pessimist and a hater towards anything positive that I am being punished by the man upstairs?  I just don't know.  I try to lead a positive life, but I have a serious jealously issue that stems from a place I have no control over, which is bizarre because my sibilngs are the total opposite, at least that I am aware.  It's not like we sit around and talk about how jealous we are of other's good fortune.  Is that the misstep that I can't get a grip on?