Take What I Can Get

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday.  My mom came with me.  My loving caring mother who is just the best.  I pretty much felt like throwing up all morning and on the car ride over there.  I sometimes feel like this is all on me.  It's my body and I'm way over in tune with everything.  I want N to be more in tune too, but I can't force him to google and read blogs on Endo...but it would be great if he did. 

So it went well.  I got to ask a lot of questions that I didn't get to bring up last time since I was so upset.  I think sometimes the Dr feels like I may be overreacting, but why wouldn't I?  When did trying to get knocked up get so complicated?  So yes it makes me sad to think that this will always be harder and more expensive for us.  We talked about the procedure and how if my tubes were badly damanaged they were going to be removed, and then my only option for having childen would be IVF.  Cha-ching Cha-ching. 

At this appointment I knew we wouldn't be able to afford IVF for a few months.  My mom had graciously offered to help, but it's so scary to know that this is a 50/50 shot of it working and its a lot of money to put down.  But because we had wanted to wait a few months the Dr. did suggest Lupron while we wait to keep the endo from returning, and keep it at bay.  I'm nervous as hell about this, I'm concerned for my body, for my reaction to this medicine.  Terrified, I have read crazy things about it and I'm scared.  So the plan was to have this shot done same day as the surgery.

I get to work this a.m. and call my sister because at the end of the appointment the Dr. did say something about my work's insurance covering at least one round of IVF.  Not being totally clear on all this I wanted my sister to look in to it, since she has their insurance and we work for the same company.  So it looks like our insurance will cover a lifetime max of $7500.00.  So awesome a lifetime max of $7500 that doesn't even cover one full round.  I will still have to pay a deductible and anything over $7500.00 but I guess thats better than paying 10 g's out of pocket.  I guess if the first fails I'll feel better knowing that I wasn't throwing away all my and my mom's money.  So, I'm going to have to call my Dr and discuss this and possibly starting IVF in January, and hopefully I won't need Lupron for one month. 

So its a lot, I also learned that the scar tissue seen in the ultrasound could be from a rupture appendicitis I had when I was four years old.  Dr. seemed shocked and suprised I was so misdiagnosed and even more so I was in the hospital for 14 days from it.  I wish my parents had sued that stupid a-hole doctor. 

I'm stressed still.  I need to relax let go.  Live like this will all be ok.  It's just hard as hell knowing I'm not going to have it as easy as everyone else that is around me. 

In My Face...

I heard a radio ad this morning for a test beign done for people that suffer with Endometriosis.  It's weird how the world works, I have never seen or heard anything about this before through broadcasting media, but I guess when you aren't really listening you miss a lot of things.  I also feel like big brother knows when you are up to something, the evidence is there on the sidebar of my facebook page, almost every day.  Almost rubbing in the disappointment that I feel. 

I got a new necklace off of etsy last week.  Its a lil monogramed one with an N for the hubby and a lil key on it.  Granted it looks like a penis, but either way I love it.  He has been amazing through this, even though I feel like I partially failed him.  It's a hard feeling to deal with.

This must be denial, because I feel fine.

Am I crazy?  I have been reading blogs about endometriosis and infertility and I feel not in the same boat as some of these other women.  So here is the gist I crampy and bloated when I ovulate and it sucks and I never felt it before because it was masked by the pill, but it’s bearable pain and when I get home from work I put on my comfy pants and lay on the couch and I’m fine, it’s tolerable for me.  Is it a pain in the butt, yes of course, but I have always felt like I can handle this.  When my period comes I feel different each month, sometimes even though it lasts a week, I’m ok, it doesn’t wipe me out at all.  Back in August though, it was bad, I was sick from work, I was exhausted, nauseous, and sad.  But I thought again, this is normal.  I thought this was all normal, and I have no idea. 

I remember, and this still happens, when I was in my 20’s of not being able to digest things well, I’d get massive diarrhea, throwing up, and stomach rumbles after eating something and this range from steak to grilled cheese.  Was this part of it? I have no idea.  Do I have a high tolerance for pain?  These poor poor women who seem to be in excruciating pain and can’t even make it through the day, where do I fit in with this? 

My mind is boggled, I’m confused.  It’s f-ed up.  Because I have no answers as to where this came from. 

Today is my favorite days.  It’s family dinner night.  I canceled my dentist cleaning so I could be there, because it’s what I look forward to.  I have an obsessiveness with my nieces and nephew.  They are a piece of my family that I will love no matter way.I love them more than words. It makes me happy to be around all of them. I’m lucky I am so close with my siblings to be around them so much. 

Defeated.

Feeling defeated today.  I have a cold too and that makes me feel even more deflated then I already am.  I saw my dad yesterday after work, he wanted to check up on me.  Cried, again.  I just want this to be done and over with.  I’m scared.  I’m panicked.  I’m a mess.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Facebook.  The only reason I’m one it is so I can keep in touch with family, but everything else about is so obnoxious and narcissistic, like a giant brag book for the world to see.  I hate it.  I log on this a.m. to see a pic of my sister’s BIL and wife, it’s their wedding anniversary.  And they are pregnant, again.  It rips my heart.  I can’t handle this.  I can’t handle never knowing if I’ll ever have kids. 

The Word Is Out

I told my dad and brother yesterday.  About everything.  I know this isn’t that drastic/terrible, I don’t have cancer.  But I can still mourn this right? I can still be upset and sad, right?  My dad just said I need to be healthy it’s my health I need to take care of.  He’s right.  I also let my boss know last Friday.  What a relief.  He wrote me a great email: “I just want to make sure you know you have someone to talk to if needed.  I know you are not the sharing type, but if you need to, any stuff that we talk about is a one way street - comes in and doesn't go out.  

Having been "there" to some degree, I can certainly appreciate what is going on to say the least.  I will also say that these things always somehow work out in the end, you will just be taking a different path other than the traditional one.

Unless you say so, that's all I got for you besides my silent understanding and support.”

It was completely unexpected but nice.  I had asked him if he and his wife ever got a second opinion, he said no.  I am in my head about this probably more than I should, but that is better than being on the internet reading every cringe worthy story out there. 

Hubby and I talked about our “plan”, he was under the impression that we would just be kid less, but I can’t picture that for either of us, he’d be a great dad.  So once the surgery is done and my tubes are good and flowing they way they should, we will try naturally on our own, I may do acupuncture to help, but I want to really try to do this on our own, we deserve a shot.  If that doesn’t work this time next year maybe we can try IVF.  However this will have to be discussed with our doctor.  I have a feeling though that this could come back and I will be pressured in to try IVF sooner rather than later. 

I don’t know.  I feel very alone.  H has been amazing, trying to keep me laughing and entertained, I love him.  He’s been great.  I’m so very lucky.

Endo No No

So it has been two days since my lovely appointment.  I ended up taking the entire day off from work.  I was kind of a mess the entire morning, waiting and waiting for I knew what would be the worst information of my life.  It’s funny because most people would be like think positive, be optimistic.  But I always felt, deep down I couldn’t have a child.  It’s this weird thing, feeling you have.  I don’t even know why I would feel this way, maybe because everyone around me is blessed and it is so easy for them, so I knew I had to be the one where that good fortune would stop. 

So our appointment started off OK.  Lucky for me it was also the first day of my period.  Awesome.  I didn’t think they’d be doing any exam or anything so I thought I was ok.  We sat down with the Doctor and went through some questions and talked about things that are going on and what could be the problem.  And of course I stressed that we did not want to go as far as IVF.

She then says, we are going to do a Vaginal Ultra Sound on you.  GREAT. Can’t wait to bleed all over your exam table while my hubby is pretending not to notice anything that is going on.  So I’m up on the table with the Dr, a student, and a technician.  I hear the word Endometriosis and my heart sinks.  I hear a lot of scar tissue, and want to pass out.  Meanwhile, Hubby has no idea why I’m crying on the table.  It was a bloody nightmare, pun intended.  Nothing like having something entirely too big jammed up your hoo-ha when you already have your period. 

So, they tell me to get dress and meet in her office.  Hubby is still clueless, and it’s cute in a strange way to me.  I walk in to the office puffy face, red eyed and gross looking as I sit down and listen to the noise coming out of the dr’s mouth.  Stage IV Endometriosis, no kids without IVF, check your tubes, surgery.  It was all so very confusing because I couldn’t even hear what she was saying.

We left feeling completely defeated.  I couldn’t stop crying.  It was awful, the feeling of your future just slipping through your fingers.  We have told our family and a few close friends, but it hasn’t been easy. 

My dr still wanted me to get the 3^rd day cycle blood work done to make sure my hormones are in tip top shape.  The nurse said congrats, thinking I was getting blood work done to confirm pregnancy.  I just said thanks. It was awkward.