Cool Not Cool

Cool. Not Cool.

So I saw this on a fashion blog I read all the time.  It’s funny and a good way to get a laugh at your own expense, and right now I kinda need that in my life.

Cool – wearing my brand new red work pants.

Not Cool – having my boss say hey nice santa pants.

Cool – being told my hair looks like Kate Middleton’s today.

Not Cool – being told my hair looks like Kate Middleton’s.

Cool – getting my cheap knock off Michael Kors watch.

Not Cool – having the battery die the same day I wear it.

Cool – being able to go on FB at work.

Not Cool – being caught looking at your friends inappropriate pictures by the big boss at work.  Whoops.

Cool – My new skinny pants I am wearing right now.

Not Cool – Resisting the urge to unbutton the top button while sitting.

Happy Holidays all...cherish your love ones this season!

Heartbroken.

So it’s been crazy here.  Living so close to Sandy Hook brings so many things in to perspective about life and childhood.  I have always feared bringing children in to this world, and having to question that makes me sad.  What happens at Sandy Hook rips my heart apart, those defenseless children with fear running through them while their friends and classmates were being picked off one by one. What terror what tragedy, what hate.  What is happening to our nation?  Our innocence is ruined by the media and social networking, sending your child to school will never ever be the same.  It makes this decision to bring a child in to this hateful world so much harder.  Can a parent provide enough love, support, knowledge, sympathy to keep their child from the depths of evil?  I would worry if I’m giving my child enough love to make sure this could never happen to me, that my child could never do this to another human being.  When will this country we live in be carefree and safe again?  When will I stop to worry about things.  I’m a runner, I run in desolate areas and my thoughts are turned to being attacked someone coming after me.  I should never feel this way, so insecure.  I’m just sick with sadness for those families. 

Getting Over it.

I have this problem where I only ever think of the negative.  I have been reading blogs lately about women going through IVF and all have been lucky enough to succeed on the first try.  How great for them.  How amazing for them.  But it effects me on a whole other level.  That out of all these amazing cases, mine will be the one that won't work the first or second cycle.  I'm never that lucky or blessed.  I'm bitter and over the whole thing.  I hate this feeling.  This feeling I have always have, jealous of what others get so easily.  I feel in my life this has never been the case, nothing ever came easy for me.  And because of this thought process I knew I'd never just get pregnant, it wasn't in my DNA to just get pregnant the cheap old fashion way.  My we are scrambling to save to make this work, and while I want to really try to save it's Christmas and I like to shop, it makes me feel better, but I should be thinking of they baby that I want more than anything and why is shopping making me feel better, when spending money makes me feel bad.  I don't know, I'm just sad.  I'm sad I feel so pathetic and it seems it's no ones fault but my own.  I can fix this right?  How do I get in to the right frame of mind?  How do I move on from this funk I've been in my whole life?  How easy is it to give it up.  Next year is going to be awful, I'm terrified of the mystery that is going to come, always the unknown and worry that I will feel during this process.  It makes me sick just thinking about it. 

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Well maybe not wishing.  I'm tired.  The hubby has been in NY all week helping his employer get caught up after Super Storm Sandy.  I've had nightmares since he left, I'm reading Gone Girl.  It's causing my mind to go crazy.  Anyway, I'm waiting for my period.  I don't really know when to expect it, if I should be expecting it at all.  I am not sure if all is normal down there...in there?  I am sick of Google searching these things at work, IT must be over it too. Ha, ha. 

Anyway, not much going on in the dysfunctional body department.  Christmas is fast approaching and I can't believe it.  I have spent way more than I should have, buying N an IPad for him, not like we should spending our money frivolously.  I can't help it though, he deserves something good, for being so good to me.  I hope he will like it and not yell at me. He usually isn't great at the buying gifts for me part.  But its ok since I buy myself things all year long.  Just like today, having $200 in my shopping bag at the Gap and getting everything for $143.  I just need to pull in the reigns, I'm working on it!