Contemplating A Change

My last post was sad and tiring.  This last week was a whirlwind.  My bompa (grandma) was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday and they were saying she was going to probably not make it through the night.  I received a phone call from my aunt asking/pleading for me to meet her and her husband an hour and half away so she could be with her mom.  My aunt has never driven a car in her life.  Of course I hopped in my car right away and sped away to pick her to see her mom.  I stayed in the hospital that night with my dad, step-mom, and my two aunts until almost one in the a.m. when Bompa finally settled down and had stopped asking god to take her.  She is 92 years old and has been through a lot.  However, on this day, three days after being admitted is still in the hospital, embarrassed more than anything (insane, I know), but doing much better.  They are now just trying to get her to eat more and cure the pneumonia that she has.  Seeing Bompa liked this brought what it means to have a family in to perspective for me.  I take such good care of my sisters kids.  My sister is my closet being to me and knows everything about me.  I would do anything for her children.  It makes me sad that god forbid something happened to her and her husband that those kids aren’t ever going to be in my care, they go to my sister’s BIL.  And I wonder do I have any business asking this to be changed?  BTW, sister’s BIL has two kids, around M & E’s ages, and could possibly be out of a job by the end of this year.  It just frustrates me so much.  I care too much and it’s like a curse because I feel that isn’t appreciated.  Or it is for a minute, but I feel like I am also taken advantage of.  I want to be sure those kids are treated well by me, because someday I might need them more than they need me, and I won’t have kids of my own to help me like my dad was there for Bompa on Tuesday night.  I’m just heartbroken over it. 

I start acupuncture in a week and a ½ I can’t wait to get this final FET done.  I hope my eggs survive the thaw and I hope that this acupuncture will work, but my hopes are low.  I have a ton of doubt in my mind.  I will never be a mom.  And if that is the case I think it is time for a change, like a move.  I’m ready to get out of here because really what is holding me to this place where I am just remind constantly that I’m not cared enough about and taken advantage of by our families.  Just tired of it. 

A Move I Didn't See Coming

Father's day was yesterday, a much "easier" day for me then Mother's Day.  We all got together at my dad's house and got take out and enjoyed each other's company.  We also found out that my sister and husband were deciding to move, or looking to move.  Looking at houses to move to.  Right now I'm spoiled, my sister lives a mile from me, if that and now she will be livng maybe 15 minutes, but not as close.  I am sad.  I don't even know what else to say about it.  I feel like we were tricked in to buying the house we did because her husband (our realtor) wanted us close to them.  So I feel like I'm being left behind.  Which is a fucked up feeling to have.  Because where they are going isn't that far, and it makes me think, what the f am I doing in this town I never really wanted to be in.  It's hard.

This whole infertility nonsense bullshit has just wrecked havoc upon our lives and it makes me sick.  I don't think my insides can get pregnant.  I don't belive it. 

Pin Me

I have decided that I will start going to an acupuncturist.  It is sometimes recommended during a round of IVF.  There are no scientific studies out there that state there is a connection with IVF working in part with acupuncture during an IVF cycle, but it doesn't hurt I suppose to try it. I have a consult tomorrow at one.  I am OK with it, not scared.  Hopeful.  Positive. 

That is really it for now.  Boring, I know. 

Working On My Positivity.

I have never had much positivity in general.  I tend to be ok with the not so good in things, and even find ways to make that situation a joke.  I am very uncomfortable in any serious situation and turn to making fun of something to make it more bearable to endure.

I realize this is not the best tactic for things.  I need to learn and teach myself to be more positive.  To not have this Debbie Downer attitude all the time.  I feel like sometimes I have kinda of had an unfair life, which maybe only makes sense to me and is only caused by me.  I just seemed to have struggled more and added more stress to my life and now here I am, kinda sad, kinda lonely, and kinda afraid of the future. 

I constantly worry.  I need to stop.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I have to stop allowing negative situations get to me, and try not to get involved.  Which is hard.  My work lately seems to be where negative energy goes to die.  It's so bad here, poor management, poor team work makes it hard to leave the negativity behind.  But I have to learn to be quiet.  Let things go and realize I have been here for ten years, it ain't gonna change.  It's work and it happens everywhere and I should be happy I have a job and a great boss, and a somewhat good team to be on.

So here it is, after this adventure of being let down I need to bring myself back up and rebuild.  That means staying away from what makes me sad and upset and only surround myself with postivity. 

So here goes nothing. 

Be Happy.

Am I Ok?

Sometimes I truly wonder if I am.  I am mentally ok.  This being "ok" thing is exhausting.  My friend and her husband had their egg retrieval today and I am envious because if this doesn't work for them they get five more tries...for free.  And I think it will work for them the first time and I am hoping it does.  Because they deserve it and want it so badly, but when you are unable to have a child you will always want it so badly.  I don't understand when that want will go away.  It probably never will, it will just be that itch that I can't scratch. 

I received yesterday the to bad so sad letter from our doctor, that she didn't really write and just signed.  I am confused about how my body is treating me, because I feel like it is treating me like shit.  And this scientific way of getting pregnant and it not work is like a giant middle finger that I see every day I look in the mirror and see my flat tummy.  I do feel like FML.  I do feel like I'm not ok.  I do feel like I need to find someone quick to help me with these feelings of self loathing I have.  No one should ever feel this way about themselves, and I am just to scared to take that first step to find someone to help me. 

Just kinda stuck here and not sure what direction I need to go. 

Strike Two

I think I have bad embryos.  How else could the nurses explain that this isn't working for me.  It is not possible for me to get pregnant.  It makes me sick.  I'm done.

Waiting...again.

Yesterday was just a terrible day of anticipation.  I had the worst stress diarrhea of my life, it was awful.  I couldn't believe it.  I am also it's a tell tale sign of my period coming.  Awesome.  My nausea and stress feeling didn't go away until after I was punctured for the blood test. 

I am leaving 1/2 a day today to head to the eye doctor and then will wait until my cell phone rings and to hear the poor nurse have to deliever bad news on the phone.  God they must hate that job! 

I am not sure what is next for us.  Definitely taking the summer off, but I need to know why.  Maybe I will find another RE to work with, even though I am supposedly dealing with the best in the state.  But if they are so good, why can't they knock me up.  What is wrong with my insides where nothing seems to be working?

I just don't know.  I am definitely past the breaking point though and know right now I can't handle it.

Two days. . .

Til my blood test on Wednesday.  Today I feel fat, blah.  Bloated.  Yuck.  I can't remember if that is normal for a day after the weekend.

I had a good/semi good weekend?  Friday we went out to dinner, had a horrible meal at a restaurant we love so that was disappointing.  I had some red wine and relaxed and was able to enjoy myself.  Saturday we finished up yard work, well N seemed to, I cleaned inside which was oh so much fun and then I painted a bathroom too, doing everything I shouldn't be!  In the evening my in laws came over along with my BIL and his gf.  Drank more wine, had a heart to heart with BIL gf, she said I would seriously carry a baby for you, so sweet.  To even offer, whether it was the alcohol talking or not, it was more than my bother BIL and his wife have offered, not like I would ever accept that, but to be offered is a big deal.  It was really sweet, either way.  We talked a lot about our niece on that side, who is out of control and she was shocked as I was when she heard that BIL wife miscarried.  Neither of us wished that on anyone, but we (the family) feel that another child for them just shouldn't happen, because the one they have now is out of control.  It is hard to watch.

After they all left, N and I had a conversation about his family and why it is hard for me to be around them, and it has everything to do with his SIL.  And I hate that I feel that way, but I can't even explain how she is.  They reward their child for bad behavior, they feed her only what she wants, bacon and chicken nuggets.  There is no control, well actually the baby controls her parents, and my in laws just seem to go along with it, because that is how her parents choose to raise her.  It seems to be taking a toll on my MIL, because it's hard because she watches this child, free of charge, and gets walked all over.  It's bad when my husband and his brother start noticing and saying things to us about it, because normally no one says anything.  It drives me crazy and that is why I don't want to be around it. 

I felt fine, physically over the weekend.  Saturday I did eat an entire 8inch grinder, and that made me feel nauseous, at least I think it was that.  Sunday I woke up with a hangover?  No headache just bleh feeling, which came back in the afternoon.  I can't read in to this shi*t.  Because I know in my heart of hearts we are out of the race this time. 

Is it Wednesday yet...?

Weekend Time

Waiting for the weekend is the worst, but it's fast approaching and I can wait to be home with the hubby with a lot of distractions.  I am going to be doing things most people wouldn't dream of while in their two week wait, drink me some red wine and get around to painting a bathroom.

I'm in better spirits today, again could be that it's Friday.  I don't feel pregnant so I hate to waste the weekend worrying about everything I could do wrong.  Will I be ok when I hear the nurse tell me the bad news?  Probably not, I am sure her sincere voice will still cause a break down, hence the half a day that I am taking.  I do have a plan for after Wednesday, to get in shape, like I have never been before.  To treat myself better than I normally do.  To run like I have never ran before.  I never been in bad shape, indulged too much, sure, but out of shape no.  And then in the fall we figure shit out and try again.  I am ok with that.  And maybe I will get the summer babies I always wanted.  In the mean time I will have deal with everyone around me getting knocked up without shelling out six grand and having amazing success stories and posting uterus pictures on facebook.  I will have to deal with my IVF buddy possibly getting pregnant and being ok with that, which I will, because we have been there and I know what its like and I will pray their babies will be amazing how ever many they choose to have.

It's sad that I feel the same way I did after the first transfer, nothing new and unusual.  I never wished for anything more than to feel cramps that aren't period related or be brave enough to take a hpt and see a positive, I can't even imagine that.  How insane that these small little milestones have been stolen from me without me ever realizing I could never have them.  I thought yesterday, as I sometimes do, in my funk silly things I did when we were trying and the hope that comes with each month, and that I put myself through these silly scenarios that all women that are trying go through, I shake my head thinking, "silly rabbit, getting pregnant is for girls with tubes that work!"  So yes I'm sad, it failed, my body failed me.  And there is no reason behind it, no answer.  Not even a doctor can tell me what is wrong with me.  Where did this body come from?!

Til Wednesday.....

Waiting Game

So it's back the 9 day wait.  9 days until I go in for the HCG.  I hate this.  I hate this so much, I want to scream.  When did I become so sad and unhappy with where I am right now?  How did I get to a point where infertility dictates my life and happiness.  I try not to let it effect my relationships, and I think I have been doing a good job with this.  I mostly feel this way when I am alone with my thoughts.  I hate my thoughts, haha.  My friend just began her lupron and also taking BCP right now.  She starts her gonal f next week, she has been pregnant before but lost both, unfortunately.  I have a feeling IVF will work for them, they just have to get through the first trimester, I don't know what is worst, being estactic that you can even get pregnant or knowing that once the baby is in you not being able to carry it.  What a weird crazy crap shoot life is. 

I forgot my progesterone today, son of a b.  I am suppose to take it 3 times a day every seven hours, the nurses did say it would be ok if I'm not completely regimented with it, but just to take it.  Pisser.

I wonder where my brother in law and his wife is with trying again.  They have to squeeze one in to make them feel more relevant, I don't know the reasoning, my niece on that side is cray cray so why they would want to rush in to adding one more right away boggles my mind.  I know I'm bitter, but I feel I have a right to be. 

I don't even know how to be positive this time around.  I am not optimistic by nature, but damn wish I was, but it's hard with one fail attempt, how many more fails before we pass.  So my thoughts of now are there is no way this is going to work this time, I'm not pregnant.  And if that is the case, what is next?  What more can be done?  What else do you test for?  I'm stressed. 

I took a 1/2 day on May 1st, when the nurses call and will deliver the news, I can't be at work for it.  It's too hard.  I did schedule a much needed eye exam so that is where I will be when I probably hear from them. 

Hope is fading. 

F.E.T.

Was yesterday.  We did two embryos, I'm freaking out.  I don't think it worked.  I'm not really freaking out, just sad maybe depressed some.  I had some minor cramping last night, normal for after the FET, but I am doubtful.  The stress has given me a headache.  I'm just sad.  What is next should this not work.  What else can you test me for?  I'm at my limit.  We have five embryos left that mabye in the fall we will try again.  Makes me sick.

Meh...

I'm not sure how I am feeling lately, sad and depressed mostly.  I am still a little shocked that our first round of IVF didn't work, and I'm questioning the knowledge of the staff at BMC.  I know that is crazy, but it comes down to not thinking they really know when a transfer is suppose to be done, I feel like the timing wasn't right.  Just like right now.

After the first cycle I started my period on March 28th, I called the nurses and they said, we are actually going to count April 1st as cycle day one.  I thought that was weird.  Can your uterus really be ready for a transfer on the 22nd day after cycle day one?  I'm just confused.  Our insurance is maxed, we have reached our lifetime limit of $7500 in IVF costs, lol.  I knew that would happened.  And it looks like our of of pocket costs are the transfer (first time), blood work and u/s tomorrow for second round, and then our second transfer next week.  We also have to pay out of pocket for the anesthesiologist and the remaining cost of the retrieval the first time around.  Thank the good Lord above we had plenty of eggs to freeze.  So we will have to pay about six grand out of the pocket.  It's ok, and we have it, but then we have nothing.  And that stinks, but that's this life.  The sh*tty had I was dealt.  Why won't this work for us?  I don't get it. 

I'm wearing four estrogen patches now, four today until Weds and then four more than back down to two.  My levels must be pretty low for needing that many.  I may start taking baby aspirin tonight, see if that helps with the transfer and my lining.  Supposedly it thins the blood but provides more of it to your uterine lining.  I dunno.  Exhausted.

Family Is In Town

There isn't too much going on on the baby front of things.  I am still doing the estrogen patches two every other day and then four around the blood work date and ultrasound date, 4/16.  These weeks have been so slow its awful.  It is definitely comparable to being a kid on Christmas Eve trying to sleep through the night.  You feel just as hopeful and optimistic.  I received my first claim and see that we went over our 7500 lifetime max and will have to pay just a little over a thousand from the last procedure last month.  Kinda sucks.  But I will never, hopefully, have to do an egg retrieval again.  Fingers crossed. 

I have been around my family these last couple weeks, since Easter.  It's been nice.  We had a dinner on Saturday with my dad's side, my aunts and uncle and then yesterday it was my mom's side, with my aunt who will be down  for the week and then eventually my other aunt will be here along with two cousins.  I'm looking forward to seeing them this weekend. 

They are a nice distraction, which I am tending to find a lot of these days, I need it.  More than ever.

Ugh...Really? I mean really?

Remember that skit that Amy Poehler and Seth Myers had on SNL with the reallys?  Well, I had that moment today when I was looking at my facebook feed, I wish I wasn't a part of the fb world, but I am.  Anyway, a girl I know is pregnant, second baby, lovely girl. I think she is great.  She is having a hard time picking a middle name for her new baby that is due in May.  So a friend of hers that I also find to be a lovely person comments "Baby names are tough I'm not looking forward to going through this again haha".  REALLY????  And then you add a haha at the end.  I mean, I get it, you don't see that as insensitive, but it is.  It stings.  So come on, really?  Really?

A middle school friend of mine just announced on fb that she is pregnant, so happy for her, and blessed that she didn't show the stupid picture of the sonogram that no one really wants to see, because lets face it, it's your uterus you are plastering all over the www.  It's so annoying and half the time I have no idea what I am looking at, they need to band those, because quite frankly, I'm offended. 

Holidays Make It Harder

I feel so out of sorts around my family and my in laws when there are holidays to be spent together.  I basically hate it, and as much as I love the aspect of seeing the kids, it just reminds me, constantly, that I am never going to have what they have.  And it makes me sad and feel like a failure.  I wish I could be optimistic, but it's definitely not easy.  I feel, almost daily, that I did something so awful in my past that I am being punished by God and that he refuses to bless my life with a child.  I think we all feel this way, everyone in these shoes I wear. It's rough.

I really don't even like to be asked how I feel, and get the sympathy look, it's the most annoying thing in the world.  I don't want to play the martyr at all, and I try not.   I definitely feel like not part of anything.  No one wants to take mine and N's picture because we aren't a family, so why bother asking us, right?  But here let me take pictures of you and your kids and your family, because it's perfect.  I just don't think anyone knows, other than the people going through this sh*t like me, knows how it feels.  How uninvolved you feel, and tense, and anxious. 

So, that was my Easter, which I hate to even celebrate because we don't do religion in my family.  So why bother?  I wish N and I had stayed home and we could have avoided both families.  And that would have been OK.

Where is April 22?  Can't come fast enough. 

Strike One

Well, round one is done.  I was kinda figuring since the hpt was negative, and that even though I was reassured by everyone that it was "too early" and "maybe the hcg wasn't in your blood stream yet" that I would not be one of those girls.

I was prepared, but when you hear the voice of the understanding nurses you crumble because it's like talking to your mom and hearing bad news from anyone with a sympathetic tone is hard to handle.  So, that is that. 

She had asked if I had gotten my period yet and I had told her no.  At that point she continued to tell me that I can stop the patches and progesterone and that I can discuss with N as to what steps we want to take next.  I wasn't sure.  But I didnt' want to give up.  I also didn't want the whole world knowing that we were going to jump in to another round.  So we agreed that we would start another round, FET, and keep it on the super DL, the only two people that know are my sister and then a friend going through the same situation.  I can be honest with both of them and they listen and understand.  Not saying my other friends don't but I need that support of at least someone knowing.  And this way, if it does happen we can wait the 12 weeks until we tell our family.  It's just a healthier way to deal with it. 

The nurse told me there was no reason they could detect why it didn't work and that sometimes it's just how the ball bounces (my phrase, not hers).  Which I get.  She also said that by doing a FET they can control my estrogen and progesterone levels better, where I was so overstimulated that could have effected the egg implanting.  N and I also agreed this round we would do two.  Hell we have nine why just have them sit there? 

I also found out through a brief email that N's SIL just suffered a miscarriage at the beginning of February, maybe, about five weeks ago.  I was shocked.  She has PCOS and had a difficult time getting pregnant the first time, and then had a rough pregnancy, at least it seemed like it.  So, I'm sadden by their loss, and hope they are at peace with it. 

I'm glad we are keeping this round quiet.  I had to text maybe 7ppl yesterday relaying the news, and my parents.  My dad says I'll be over after work tomorrow, he is so sweet, but its ok.  I'm ok, and when I see him I'll cry like a baby because that is how parents make you feel, you love that they care so much it just fills you with so much emotion, at least it does for me! 

So, I take two days of progesterone, today and tomorrow, orally at night.  The nurse said they will count Monday the 1st as the first day of my cycle.  I then apply one patch (vivelle dot) and keep that on until Wednesday, when I replace it again, and then on Friday I put two on, and then prior to transfer I will be wearing four at ones, insane, right?  They leave a nice little linty sticky patch on my stomach that does not come off easily, kinda annoying.  I then head in for blood work and ultrasound on the 16th with a transfer date of the 22nd. 

Cross your fingers for us...I hope I don't have a hostile uterus. 

What Have I done?

I am 9dp5dt, and I tested this a.m., because tomorrow I got in for my beta, I think anyways.  It was negative.  I don't know why I did it.  Because the internet has gotten in to my head.  I am such an idiot.  I should have just waited.  Now my hope is gone.  Swept under the carpet never to be found.  I suck.  Such a dope. 

Energy Is Back

I'm kinda shock how almost energized I feel.  It's a weird feeling.  I mean I'm ok with it, I like not being dragged down with the thought of having to give myself nightly shots of meds.  It's a relief I feel, I think.  It's nice. 

The best part about how I feel is that I have not been thinking about any possibility of being pregnant during this 2ww.  Which is nice.  I'm not over analyzing every twinge or cramp like I would if things were done the old fashion way.  I am trying to be more optimistic about it all.  I have positive thoughts and really want this to work.  Badly.  Wouldn't it be great if a long with a great egg count I get lucky enough to get pregnant the first try. 

I did wake up this a.m. with the worst cramp I ever had in my life and wasn't sure if I had to puke or poop!  It was awful and I'm sorry if tha was awful, but luckily it passed without having to do either.  It scared me, but I'm definitely glad it pass. 

I have had a weird sore throat the past couple days, since retrieval.  It is most annoying at night and I feel really bad for N, the coughing drives him bonkers.  I'm hoping in a few days it'll be gone. 

2WW

So, we are officially in the two week wait.  I’m terrified.  Can’t we just skip this part?  I started to feel my best yesterday.  I am not sure it was because the weight of all this was off my shoulders and the hard part was done, or if I figured out that my meds were having an ill effect on me.  I am still having difficulty breathing and think I have some sort of infection and I don’t really know what to do about it.  It’s not a sore throat but just a cough because I can’t seem to get enough oxygen.   So that has been fun to deal with.  You know what else has also been a blast.  Constipation.  It’s been insane.  Since my retrieval I haven’t gone.  Well I have, but it’s been hard…no pun intended.  I should probably call the nurses and tell them, but I don’t really want to talk about constipation with my boss right on the other side of the cubicle wall.  So I have been backed up and since then I have been having spouts of nausea that I couldn’t figure out why, I thought it was all the meds I was on, progesterone, estrogen patches, and prenatal vitamins.  Well it looks like it is most likely the prenatal mixing with everything else.  I will start taking that at night.  They also prescribed Caberlogine for OHSS, but after transfer I haven’t taken it, makes me nervous.

So I got the phone call on Saturday a.m. to tell me that I would be going in on Monday and that we had 12 high quality embryos and 3 high quality ones, which would probably be the ones we used on Monday.  I had taken Monday off from work, but I did feel fine after the procedure, I did take the valium, but definitely didn’t feel like I needed it.  They tell you to drink 6-8oz of water, which I did plus a little more when we got there because I felt like my bladder wasn’t full, just ehh.  So N was able to change in to scrubs and come in to the OR for the procedure and it was kind of an amazing moment.  You get to watch it all go down on the u/s monitor and to see the lil embryo shoot out and stick in my uterus was amazing.  We both got a little teary eyed and were happy and relieved this part was over.  It would be great if we got reassurance that this will stick and that I will get pregnant.  But to even know that there is a 50/50 chance is more than what I had before.  You know, so this is a huge move in the right direction of making me happy about this.  I will find out tomorrow what we will have frozen in case we have to use them again.  I hope we got a few more to freeze. 

I wish this experience was more widely known, because it was one of the most insane adventures of my life, and it’s not even over with yet.  The sadness and happiness that can come out of this just can move you beyond belief. 

We go back I think on 3/27 for blood work.  I hope good things from only here out, and if not that is ok too and we move on. 

Fertile Mertile

Oh my retreival was on Wednesday and I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  I couldn't wait to get it over with!  We got there an hour before the appointment and went over my medical history and got my IV started up.  They then walked me in to the operating room and was put out and then came back to with N by my bed, the process was about 1/2 an hour and then wake up time. 

We had one of the nurses come by and informed us that I had 39 eggs that were retrieved and she had no idea where that number came from or where I was "hiding" them all.  I was estatic, I would have never thought I would have so many!  Unfortunately this amazing news came with some not so amazing news.  I could possibly develop Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.  I had no idea I could get this after my trigger and meds were done, but I guess this can develop up to 17 days after retreival.  It was shocking.  And upsetting, I did not and do no want this to posphoned my transfer.  So I came home and felt ok, just super bloated and got to drinking gatorade pronto.  I was able to eat whatever and felt ok.  I even got up for work the next morning with intentions of going in.  I almost made it in but turned around, the drive in was uncomfortable and I looked about four months pregnant.  I didn't want people thinking I was pregnant before I actually was! How embarrassing!  So I took another day off.

This whole talk of OHSS makes me nervous and unsure.  I'm second guessing any sympton I could have.  Like I thought I was getting a sore throat, and it was casuing trouble breathing like coughing a lot, but shortness of breath is a sympton of OHSS.  I don't think I have had a weight gain yet of 2 or more pounds a day, but I'll have to look for that tomorrow.  The nurses did prescript Caberlogine which I guess is suppose to help the symptons of OHSS, and it better for seven pills it was $104.00, insane. 

Later in the afternoon the nurse called and I was told 25 of my eggs have fertlized, insane in the membrane, and that it looked like I would most likely be coming in for a day 5 transfer.  I hope that is the case because that will give me more time to feel a little better and it will give us a better shot in the long run. 

So that is where I stand, nervous as f*ck. 

Trigger It

Oye vey.  Had another u/s and more blood drawn on Saturday a.m.  How exhausting.  I can't really complain about this whole process.  The only complaint I have, I was happy about the time I had to take my shot, which if that is the only complaint, great.  I'm the type of person that likes to be in bed, looking at pinterest, by nine o'clock, not awake counting the hours til I can jab myself with a needle!  So, last I was about one vile Menopur, 5 units Lupron, and a dose of 300mgs of Gonal-F.  On Saturday my I had all together 25-30 follies slowly getting bigger.  Around 15mm.  They'd like to have a bunch that are around 18mms.  I guess they can grow about 2mm each day, which is great and got me hopeful for a trigger on Monday.  I left and received a phone call that my estrogen levels were right were they should be and that I needed to lower my Gonal-F to 150, which was fine by me, less medicine to inject is always a good thing!  Plus it gives me more leftovers! 

I didn't feel well all weekend, just unsettled.  Friday night we had a great dinner of sushi with my sister and BIL, followed by drinks at this lovely lil place close to home.  I felt drunk.  I had a glass of wine with dinner and then a mojito at the last place we went.  It was strange.  I also had to give my shot at the last place we were at, which is kinda an upscale place and I felt weird shooting up in the bathroom, but I did it.  With my buzzed sister in the stall with me giggling saying "this is so weird, ugh I can't look." lol. Love her. 

Monday back to the doctors.  My arm is a mess from all the blood that has been drawn and I was very hopeful I wouldn't have to go back after this.  The u/s tech said there were a good size follicles from 15-18mm that looked good, and I was tell not every follicle will get to be as big as 18mm as I had about ten that were only at 10mm.  I received the call today that I will take my trigger shot of Ovidrel tonight at 8.15 and I am so happy.  No more needles and I can breathe a sigh of relief.  So glad tonight is my night.  So I do that and then on Wednesday at 7.15 we go in for retrieval.

So that is the happenings as of late.  Giving all this blood has been awful, but I'm glad the last thing to stick me is an IV, which hurt like a bitched last time I had it done.  But it's a small price for everything else that will come out of this.

Give Me Your Blood

Blood work was good.  I guess it was to check my Estradiol levels and make sure the Gonal F, the Menopur, and Lupron are doing what they are suppose to be doing.  I ran out of one of the pens last night and had a mini meltdown because I couldn’t find any video on how much more I would have to take from another pen for one shot.  Such a nightmare.

I go back Thursday for another ultrasound and more blood work.  Here is hoping that they will have me stimulate for a few more days and then early next week do the retrieval.  Wishful thinking I know.  Fingers crossed.  I can feel my insides and it is kinda uncomfortable, but I can deal.  It’s a good thing.   

Dazed and Confused.

It’s Monday and I did not want to get my ass outta bed for work.  However I know soon enough I will be taking a couple days for retrieval and transfer.  I can’t wait.  On Saturday I went in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  I finally got to meet one of the nurses I have speaking with on the phone.  She praised me for being so patient when dealing with the online pharmacies and I told her it was because you guys seem to remain so calm.  So had one vile of blood drawn, hurt like a b*tch.  I couldn’t believe it.   But it was only one thank god.  Then the ultrasound.  It went well, the tech was really super nice and relaxing.  I liked her.  She said I had about ten follicles on one side and 13 on the other, a very good sign.  Finally hearing some good news in that damn examine room!  They were then going to pass my information on to one of the IVF dr’s in the program and they would get back to me that afternoon with whether or not I just continue on the Lupron or move on to the stimulating medicine.  And good news, I could move on to the next phase.  Taking Gonal-F, Menopur, and Lupron shots in the p.m.  So excited to start that.

My nephews birthday party was this weekend.  It was hard.  I am not only jacked up on meds I got another cold and was on cold medicine too.  The nurses told me to only take Tylenol so that is what I have been doing.  I felt like I was in a daze, it was crowded there, lots of kids and noise.  And I couldn’t wait to get home.  As bad as I feel about that, I just felt like I wasn’t meant to be there, it was weird.  My nephew is such a chill baby, I love him.  My nieces birthday is in May and she is just a good baby too. 

So that is it for now, I go in tomorrow for blood work only, yea.  I won’t have to wait long in there and probably will be done in no time.  I am super sensitive around my ovaries and feel a little bloated.  I am not sure if it is in my head or not.  These shots hurt a little more than the Lupon, maybe because there is more to them, more fluid to be injected.  I’m not sure.  I definitely don’t feel the comfiest (?) sitting at a desk all day. 

I’ll let you know what they say after the blood work tomorrow.   

Shots Shots Shots

Yes whenever I hear that phrase I think of the song by LMFAO...and I don't really like it, but whatever. 

Not as bad as I thought.  Always worse in your head with something like this.  The anxiety is still there, even though it goes in with no problem, those suckers are sharp and I’m really good at the dart like motion.  So it has been three days since I have taken the Lupron with the BC.  Today I will take the BC again, but tomorrow just the Lupron.  And then sh*t is about to get real.  I don’t know if I am having side effects from the Lupron.  I might have had a quick hot flash where I felt like my legs were sweaty, but I can’t be sure.  Definitely feeling tired and I’m not extremely hungry and coffee isn’t as appealing as it should be for me.  I am starting to get a weird sore throat feeling, but not a sore throat if that makes sense?  I know weird.  I’m weird.  So I will probably be going back to the hospital Friday/Thursday for baseline blood work and an ultrasound.  I hope Friday, but whatever it is it is. 

I am working now on doing things outside my comfort zone.  I realize I have this issue with anxiety and doing things on my own.  When you have a child that all changes, you do things you wouldn’t normally do for them, to involve them.  To be part of their life.  I am hosting a dinner party on Friday night with my girlfriends.  I hate to cook for people it’s too much pressure and I feel like it will taste like sh*t either way.  But I have made a menu, have an app, a salad, main course, and a dessert.  So I am ready and some things I can pre-plan or make head which is good.

I feel very exposed now too.  Like my secret is out.  I’m ok with this and I’m not ok.  I don’t want to talk if this doesn’t work out.  I will want to crawl under a rock with no questions asked! Ha!  But I know people just care, and caring is ok.  But it won’t be easy by any means.  I am working on my positivity skills.  N and I both need to in order to be in the right frame of mind.  It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve last cried so that is a great sign! 

Ok, will be back once we move on to the next stage. 

Really?!

Forgotten again.  Those darn nurses!  It’s ok, I can’t stay mad at them for long because they are so sweet and understanding, they are just like my mom.  They also have her memory.  Anyway…all the meds are in.  Except maybe my Prometrium and Doxycycline, which is ok because I don’t need those right away, those are for when I start the stimulation meds in a week or more.  I begin my 10 units of Lupron on Saturday.  I am still undecided on a good time to administer the shots.  I was hoping I could do it in the a.m., but the hospital likes it done in the evening around the same time in a the same two hour window.  So I think either like at 5.30 or later like at 9.30.  I might go for the later.  I would always give me a good excuse to cut out of somewhere I don’t’ want to be J.  So I have to get another prescription of birth control bills (free!) because I run out tomorrow and for four days I have to take that and the Lupron in a row then stop birth control, then get my period and then the monitoring and ultrasounding begin.  Cha-Ching Cha-Ching.  My fingers are crossed.  I am so very hopeful. 

Remembering The Good Old Days

The Pharmacy.  I’m not old, I remember the days when prescriptions were filled at your local pharmacy.  Where the hell did those days go?  My insurance provider uses Express-Scripts as their prescription provider and of course you have your own prescription insurance card for them that you use.  This process of getting my scripts sent to me has been a total nightmare and has been going on since Feb. 5^th.  I was supposed to start taking Lupron with my birth control on February 16^th.  Hahaha, silly me thinking this would go smoothly.  WRONG.  The problem started with me still being covered under N’s insurance, the first insurance the doctor office had me under when I was there last year.  But because I couldn’t take my name of N’s insurance I had to keep that and then enroll in my employer’s insurance because it offered some assistance with IVF, so N’s would be my secondary insurance provider.  What a mess.  My scripts were first sent through with using N’s insurance.  Well that won’t work because we receive no coverage for any of this through his insurance.  So that had to be canceled.  But it wasn’t.  The nurses I deal with were just as confused.

So moving to the following week, February 13, I had a phone consult schedule with the nurses to discuss the packet they sent me.  It was schedule for 9.30.  I took the day off from work because I wanted the privacy to discuss things openly.  Well…they forgot to call me!  I called them an hour after the schedule time, had to leave a voicemail, because you can never talk to them directly, you call and they call you back.  Yup so when they called back they said, we forgot you!  It was kinda funny because they didn’t even try to lie or come up with something about missing my phone call.  So I give them props for being honest.  So we went over everything and of course I had to bring up the insurance/medication issue again, but it still seemed like my message was not relayed properly.  So I had gotten off that phone call thinking everything would be ok.  Haha silly me, again. 

Today, February 20^th, I have finally received my meds.  The whole lot of them, oh except the Lupron, which comes tomorrow and I can start Saturday.  But the problem lies with Express-Scripts.  Who my nurses faxed my meds to, and when I called to check the order status they say, oh you have to have your nurses fax the Lupron med to CuraScript and the rest go through Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  What?!  Ok, so I tell the nurses what goes where and I think it’s taken care of.  Well, that’s not the case because now I have random meds showing up through Express-Scripts that are being ordered Freedom, I thought?  So for two weeks I have been dealing with such nonsense and you have to go through them to get to us, and it has been awful.  My nurses feel awful.  I finally feel ok.  Or I will once I see the Lupron on my door step tomorrow when I get home from work. 

So just a received an automated message while I was lunch from Curascript about a delay in my order, I call they say it’s fine.  This blows.  Tomorrow will be the moment of truth!

So tomorrow I have a phone call with the nurses again to just discuss the meds and my calendar.  As long as they remember to call me.

Let's Do This!

Swimmers and consult are all well.   Phew.  I’m not so happy with the cost of having to freeze hubby’s sperm, but hey whatever.  He’ll only ever have to do it one more time!  Easy Peasy.  So we saw are doctor on Friday and I was concerned about the length of my cycle that had just ended, 21 days, extremely short.  Yikes.  And that I wasn’t sure if I would ovulate on a normal day 14.  So she put me on the pills so timing could be more specific and not likely to mess up the cycle.  So back on the pill as of Friday.  I left a message today with the nurses so waiting to hear back from them on my schedule and calendar.  Nervous and excited.  However not anxious anymore.  It’s in God’s hands and I hope he is on my team. 

I just spoke to the nurses and she is sending me my packet along, she will be getting in touch with my insurance about setting up the prescriptions.  I’m shocked because I have a feeling this will happen all really fast.  It looks like my birth control and beginning shots of Lupron will start around the 23^rd of this month with a retrieval around the 4^th of March.  This is really happening, I can’t even believe it. 

Anxious

Always so anxious.  Friday is our consult.  I have been lucky enough to email a couple girls that have been through IVF or are going through it or will be going through it.  Once is a friend of the hubby, his wife.  The other a co-worker of my sister, his wife.  It was nice and is nice to have someone to talk to, outside the family circle.  I am not the best at making friends.  I am the type of person that is happy with the ones I have and don't want anymore.  I reached out to the Hubby's friend's wife "B" and will try to get together with her for coffee or something.  She and her husband are six-seven years older than N and I.  They have a lot more going on then N and I do, going far beyond a messed up uterus.  They seem to have some chromosome issues.  It's such a scary thing to have do IVF and then to have to deal with find the perfect embryo to implant.  I pray for them.  I pray for us.  I'm tired.  I need the spring and the happy warm weather.  Can't wait to feel that on my face. 

Sperm and Faith.

So happy it’s Friday.  It is always difficult to work a full week after having days off for holidays.  N did his SA on Friday of last week.  He was going to call today to see if the results were ready.  I had a dream last night that they were fine, fingers cross that that is the case.  He was able to do it at home, but was still nervous and had a hard time with it, which I get.  So we will find out soon enough.  We also scheduled our appointment with our doctor.  There is this checklist that needs to be completed prior to actually starting.  This includes the overview class, a consult with your physician, a protocol class, and then a bunch of lab work, which we already had.  So we are ahead of the curve and meet with our Dr. on February 1^st.  I wish it was sooner, but I’ll take it. 

I have had such anxiety for a while now.  I was so nervous on our way to the hospital for our overview class I thought I was going to puke and it was just a class!  I need to relax more, breathe more, trust that God has this all under control, because I can’t handle it all on my own. 

I wonder how many women that go through this start questioning their belief in God.  I went to church as a child, but that was it.  I was raise Protestant.  I never was interested in a higher faith, I was content with what I believed in, but now with all this question if I need more.  And I don’t really have anyone I can go to, my mom rarely goes to church anymore.  My sister is Greek Orthodox but isn’t practicing.  I just don’t know, I have so much on my mind, all these thoughts.  It frustrates me.

I found this list online that I put up here at work.  I like it, kinda no nonsense.  Here it is:

Things To Remember:

1.       Eat regularly and well.

2.       Get enough sleep.   (check! J )

3.       Sometimes being a bitch is necessary.

4.       Stop talking and listen.

5.       Don’t take anyone shit’s.

6.       Things will get better.

7.       If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life, they don’t deserve to be there.

8.       It only ends once.  Everything else is just progress.

9.       A good cup of tea can solve just about anything.

10.    Stick to your guns.

11.    Impromptu solo dance parties are good for your health.

12.    Spend time with the people who matter most.

I like it, it makes sense to me. 

Have I mentioned I’m so glad it’s Friday.  Need to get my hair done soon, pulled out four grey hairs.  Yikes.  Have a great weekend.  I’ll keep you posted on N’s results.

IVF Overview (step 1)

The overview was ok.  Nothing that I didn’t already know or expect.  They had given us a binder and was basically a review of that.  They had a therapist there who spoke also, and it was funny she had mentioned setting a goal for the year with IVF.  For example saying we are going to do six rounds this year if it doesn’t work the first time, we will go up to six rounds.  N and I looked at each other and couldn’t believe that, who realistically wants to do this six times in a row?  Who has that in them?  And who can afford it.  I do realize some people have amazing insurance but we are not that couple.  This is a one time deal.  Maybe two if we can save enough since my insurance only covers a lifetime max of 7500.  So it was laughable for us, and unrealistic.   Unrealistic because we aren’t rich to pay for it without insurance helping. 

Is that the most stressful part for everyone?  The money.  It is for me.  I hate that.

Class is in Session

It’s a new year…I made it.  I have no idea what this new year will bring.  I have a lot of hope and anticipation for the following months.  I pray I have the strength to get through this.  I will need that more than anything.  We have our Overview IVF class tonight for two hours.  It’s a requirement for anyone working with the hospital we are using for IVF.  I’m anxious and nervous for it all.  I don’t know why, it’s just a class.  Friday N will be dropping of his lil guys for them to do an SA on it.  Or he will do it at the hospital, he hasn’t decided yet.  I’m glad he is doing this on his own, I may have pushed a little but not a tone.  So we will do this and then get the ball rolling.  Should be interesting.  Fingers crossed for a good new year, I need one.