Anxious

Always so anxious.  Friday is our consult.  I have been lucky enough to email a couple girls that have been through IVF or are going through it or will be going through it.  Once is a friend of the hubby, his wife.  The other a co-worker of my sister, his wife.  It was nice and is nice to have someone to talk to, outside the family circle.  I am not the best at making friends.  I am the type of person that is happy with the ones I have and don't want anymore.  I reached out to the Hubby's friend's wife "B" and will try to get together with her for coffee or something.  She and her husband are six-seven years older than N and I.  They have a lot more going on then N and I do, going far beyond a messed up uterus.  They seem to have some chromosome issues.  It's such a scary thing to have do IVF and then to have to deal with find the perfect embryo to implant.  I pray for them.  I pray for us.  I'm tired.  I need the spring and the happy warm weather.  Can't wait to feel that on my face. 

Sperm and Faith.

So happy it’s Friday.  It is always difficult to work a full week after having days off for holidays.  N did his SA on Friday of last week.  He was going to call today to see if the results were ready.  I had a dream last night that they were fine, fingers cross that that is the case.  He was able to do it at home, but was still nervous and had a hard time with it, which I get.  So we will find out soon enough.  We also scheduled our appointment with our doctor.  There is this checklist that needs to be completed prior to actually starting.  This includes the overview class, a consult with your physician, a protocol class, and then a bunch of lab work, which we already had.  So we are ahead of the curve and meet with our Dr. on February 1^st.  I wish it was sooner, but I’ll take it. 

I have had such anxiety for a while now.  I was so nervous on our way to the hospital for our overview class I thought I was going to puke and it was just a class!  I need to relax more, breathe more, trust that God has this all under control, because I can’t handle it all on my own. 

I wonder how many women that go through this start questioning their belief in God.  I went to church as a child, but that was it.  I was raise Protestant.  I never was interested in a higher faith, I was content with what I believed in, but now with all this question if I need more.  And I don’t really have anyone I can go to, my mom rarely goes to church anymore.  My sister is Greek Orthodox but isn’t practicing.  I just don’t know, I have so much on my mind, all these thoughts.  It frustrates me.

I found this list online that I put up here at work.  I like it, kinda no nonsense.  Here it is:

Things To Remember:

1.       Eat regularly and well.

2.       Get enough sleep.   (check! J )

3.       Sometimes being a bitch is necessary.

4.       Stop talking and listen.

5.       Don’t take anyone shit’s.

6.       Things will get better.

7.       If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life, they don’t deserve to be there.

8.       It only ends once.  Everything else is just progress.

9.       A good cup of tea can solve just about anything.

10.    Stick to your guns.

11.    Impromptu solo dance parties are good for your health.

12.    Spend time with the people who matter most.

I like it, it makes sense to me. 

Have I mentioned I’m so glad it’s Friday.  Need to get my hair done soon, pulled out four grey hairs.  Yikes.  Have a great weekend.  I’ll keep you posted on N’s results.

IVF Overview (step 1)

The overview was ok.  Nothing that I didn’t already know or expect.  They had given us a binder and was basically a review of that.  They had a therapist there who spoke also, and it was funny she had mentioned setting a goal for the year with IVF.  For example saying we are going to do six rounds this year if it doesn’t work the first time, we will go up to six rounds.  N and I looked at each other and couldn’t believe that, who realistically wants to do this six times in a row?  Who has that in them?  And who can afford it.  I do realize some people have amazing insurance but we are not that couple.  This is a one time deal.  Maybe two if we can save enough since my insurance only covers a lifetime max of 7500.  So it was laughable for us, and unrealistic.   Unrealistic because we aren’t rich to pay for it without insurance helping. 

Is that the most stressful part for everyone?  The money.  It is for me.  I hate that.

Class is in Session

It’s a new year…I made it.  I have no idea what this new year will bring.  I have a lot of hope and anticipation for the following months.  I pray I have the strength to get through this.  I will need that more than anything.  We have our Overview IVF class tonight for two hours.  It’s a requirement for anyone working with the hospital we are using for IVF.  I’m anxious and nervous for it all.  I don’t know why, it’s just a class.  Friday N will be dropping of his lil guys for them to do an SA on it.  Or he will do it at the hospital, he hasn’t decided yet.  I’m glad he is doing this on his own, I may have pushed a little but not a tone.  So we will do this and then get the ball rolling.  Should be interesting.  Fingers crossed for a good new year, I need one.