Two days. . .

Til my blood test on Wednesday.  Today I feel fat, blah.  Bloated.  Yuck.  I can't remember if that is normal for a day after the weekend.

I had a good/semi good weekend?  Friday we went out to dinner, had a horrible meal at a restaurant we love so that was disappointing.  I had some red wine and relaxed and was able to enjoy myself.  Saturday we finished up yard work, well N seemed to, I cleaned inside which was oh so much fun and then I painted a bathroom too, doing everything I shouldn't be!  In the evening my in laws came over along with my BIL and his gf.  Drank more wine, had a heart to heart with BIL gf, she said I would seriously carry a baby for you, so sweet.  To even offer, whether it was the alcohol talking or not, it was more than my bother BIL and his wife have offered, not like I would ever accept that, but to be offered is a big deal.  It was really sweet, either way.  We talked a lot about our niece on that side, who is out of control and she was shocked as I was when she heard that BIL wife miscarried.  Neither of us wished that on anyone, but we (the family) feel that another child for them just shouldn't happen, because the one they have now is out of control.  It is hard to watch.

After they all left, N and I had a conversation about his family and why it is hard for me to be around them, and it has everything to do with his SIL.  And I hate that I feel that way, but I can't even explain how she is.  They reward their child for bad behavior, they feed her only what she wants, bacon and chicken nuggets.  There is no control, well actually the baby controls her parents, and my in laws just seem to go along with it, because that is how her parents choose to raise her.  It seems to be taking a toll on my MIL, because it's hard because she watches this child, free of charge, and gets walked all over.  It's bad when my husband and his brother start noticing and saying things to us about it, because normally no one says anything.  It drives me crazy and that is why I don't want to be around it. 

I felt fine, physically over the weekend.  Saturday I did eat an entire 8inch grinder, and that made me feel nauseous, at least I think it was that.  Sunday I woke up with a hangover?  No headache just bleh feeling, which came back in the afternoon.  I can't read in to this shi*t.  Because I know in my heart of hearts we are out of the race this time. 

Is it Wednesday yet...?

Weekend Time

Waiting for the weekend is the worst, but it's fast approaching and I can wait to be home with the hubby with a lot of distractions.  I am going to be doing things most people wouldn't dream of while in their two week wait, drink me some red wine and get around to painting a bathroom.

I'm in better spirits today, again could be that it's Friday.  I don't feel pregnant so I hate to waste the weekend worrying about everything I could do wrong.  Will I be ok when I hear the nurse tell me the bad news?  Probably not, I am sure her sincere voice will still cause a break down, hence the half a day that I am taking.  I do have a plan for after Wednesday, to get in shape, like I have never been before.  To treat myself better than I normally do.  To run like I have never ran before.  I never been in bad shape, indulged too much, sure, but out of shape no.  And then in the fall we figure shit out and try again.  I am ok with that.  And maybe I will get the summer babies I always wanted.  In the mean time I will have deal with everyone around me getting knocked up without shelling out six grand and having amazing success stories and posting uterus pictures on facebook.  I will have to deal with my IVF buddy possibly getting pregnant and being ok with that, which I will, because we have been there and I know what its like and I will pray their babies will be amazing how ever many they choose to have.

It's sad that I feel the same way I did after the first transfer, nothing new and unusual.  I never wished for anything more than to feel cramps that aren't period related or be brave enough to take a hpt and see a positive, I can't even imagine that.  How insane that these small little milestones have been stolen from me without me ever realizing I could never have them.  I thought yesterday, as I sometimes do, in my funk silly things I did when we were trying and the hope that comes with each month, and that I put myself through these silly scenarios that all women that are trying go through, I shake my head thinking, "silly rabbit, getting pregnant is for girls with tubes that work!"  So yes I'm sad, it failed, my body failed me.  And there is no reason behind it, no answer.  Not even a doctor can tell me what is wrong with me.  Where did this body come from?!

Til Wednesday.....

Waiting Game

So it's back the 9 day wait.  9 days until I go in for the HCG.  I hate this.  I hate this so much, I want to scream.  When did I become so sad and unhappy with where I am right now?  How did I get to a point where infertility dictates my life and happiness.  I try not to let it effect my relationships, and I think I have been doing a good job with this.  I mostly feel this way when I am alone with my thoughts.  I hate my thoughts, haha.  My friend just began her lupron and also taking BCP right now.  She starts her gonal f next week, she has been pregnant before but lost both, unfortunately.  I have a feeling IVF will work for them, they just have to get through the first trimester, I don't know what is worst, being estactic that you can even get pregnant or knowing that once the baby is in you not being able to carry it.  What a weird crazy crap shoot life is. 

I forgot my progesterone today, son of a b.  I am suppose to take it 3 times a day every seven hours, the nurses did say it would be ok if I'm not completely regimented with it, but just to take it.  Pisser.

I wonder where my brother in law and his wife is with trying again.  They have to squeeze one in to make them feel more relevant, I don't know the reasoning, my niece on that side is cray cray so why they would want to rush in to adding one more right away boggles my mind.  I know I'm bitter, but I feel I have a right to be. 

I don't even know how to be positive this time around.  I am not optimistic by nature, but damn wish I was, but it's hard with one fail attempt, how many more fails before we pass.  So my thoughts of now are there is no way this is going to work this time, I'm not pregnant.  And if that is the case, what is next?  What more can be done?  What else do you test for?  I'm stressed. 

I took a 1/2 day on May 1st, when the nurses call and will deliver the news, I can't be at work for it.  It's too hard.  I did schedule a much needed eye exam so that is where I will be when I probably hear from them. 

Hope is fading. 

F.E.T.

Was yesterday.  We did two embryos, I'm freaking out.  I don't think it worked.  I'm not really freaking out, just sad maybe depressed some.  I had some minor cramping last night, normal for after the FET, but I am doubtful.  The stress has given me a headache.  I'm just sad.  What is next should this not work.  What else can you test me for?  I'm at my limit.  We have five embryos left that mabye in the fall we will try again.  Makes me sick.

Meh...

I'm not sure how I am feeling lately, sad and depressed mostly.  I am still a little shocked that our first round of IVF didn't work, and I'm questioning the knowledge of the staff at BMC.  I know that is crazy, but it comes down to not thinking they really know when a transfer is suppose to be done, I feel like the timing wasn't right.  Just like right now.

After the first cycle I started my period on March 28th, I called the nurses and they said, we are actually going to count April 1st as cycle day one.  I thought that was weird.  Can your uterus really be ready for a transfer on the 22nd day after cycle day one?  I'm just confused.  Our insurance is maxed, we have reached our lifetime limit of $7500 in IVF costs, lol.  I knew that would happened.  And it looks like our of of pocket costs are the transfer (first time), blood work and u/s tomorrow for second round, and then our second transfer next week.  We also have to pay out of pocket for the anesthesiologist and the remaining cost of the retrieval the first time around.  Thank the good Lord above we had plenty of eggs to freeze.  So we will have to pay about six grand out of the pocket.  It's ok, and we have it, but then we have nothing.  And that stinks, but that's this life.  The sh*tty had I was dealt.  Why won't this work for us?  I don't get it. 

I'm wearing four estrogen patches now, four today until Weds and then four more than back down to two.  My levels must be pretty low for needing that many.  I may start taking baby aspirin tonight, see if that helps with the transfer and my lining.  Supposedly it thins the blood but provides more of it to your uterine lining.  I dunno.  Exhausted.

Family Is In Town

There isn't too much going on on the baby front of things.  I am still doing the estrogen patches two every other day and then four around the blood work date and ultrasound date, 4/16.  These weeks have been so slow its awful.  It is definitely comparable to being a kid on Christmas Eve trying to sleep through the night.  You feel just as hopeful and optimistic.  I received my first claim and see that we went over our 7500 lifetime max and will have to pay just a little over a thousand from the last procedure last month.  Kinda sucks.  But I will never, hopefully, have to do an egg retrieval again.  Fingers crossed. 

I have been around my family these last couple weeks, since Easter.  It's been nice.  We had a dinner on Saturday with my dad's side, my aunts and uncle and then yesterday it was my mom's side, with my aunt who will be down  for the week and then eventually my other aunt will be here along with two cousins.  I'm looking forward to seeing them this weekend. 

They are a nice distraction, which I am tending to find a lot of these days, I need it.  More than ever.

Ugh...Really? I mean really?

Remember that skit that Amy Poehler and Seth Myers had on SNL with the reallys?  Well, I had that moment today when I was looking at my facebook feed, I wish I wasn't a part of the fb world, but I am.  Anyway, a girl I know is pregnant, second baby, lovely girl. I think she is great.  She is having a hard time picking a middle name for her new baby that is due in May.  So a friend of hers that I also find to be a lovely person comments "Baby names are tough I'm not looking forward to going through this again haha".  REALLY????  And then you add a haha at the end.  I mean, I get it, you don't see that as insensitive, but it is.  It stings.  So come on, really?  Really?

A middle school friend of mine just announced on fb that she is pregnant, so happy for her, and blessed that she didn't show the stupid picture of the sonogram that no one really wants to see, because lets face it, it's your uterus you are plastering all over the www.  It's so annoying and half the time I have no idea what I am looking at, they need to band those, because quite frankly, I'm offended. 

Holidays Make It Harder

I feel so out of sorts around my family and my in laws when there are holidays to be spent together.  I basically hate it, and as much as I love the aspect of seeing the kids, it just reminds me, constantly, that I am never going to have what they have.  And it makes me sad and feel like a failure.  I wish I could be optimistic, but it's definitely not easy.  I feel, almost daily, that I did something so awful in my past that I am being punished by God and that he refuses to bless my life with a child.  I think we all feel this way, everyone in these shoes I wear. It's rough.

I really don't even like to be asked how I feel, and get the sympathy look, it's the most annoying thing in the world.  I don't want to play the martyr at all, and I try not.   I definitely feel like not part of anything.  No one wants to take mine and N's picture because we aren't a family, so why bother asking us, right?  But here let me take pictures of you and your kids and your family, because it's perfect.  I just don't think anyone knows, other than the people going through this sh*t like me, knows how it feels.  How uninvolved you feel, and tense, and anxious. 

So, that was my Easter, which I hate to even celebrate because we don't do religion in my family.  So why bother?  I wish N and I had stayed home and we could have avoided both families.  And that would have been OK.

Where is April 22?  Can't come fast enough.