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I have decided that I will start going to an acupuncturist.  It is sometimes recommended during a round of IVF.  There are no scientific studies out there that state there is a connection with IVF working in part with acupuncture during an IVF cycle, but it doesn't hurt I suppose to try it. I have a consult tomorrow at one.  I am OK with it, not scared.  Hopeful.  Positive. 

That is really it for now.  Boring, I know. 

Working On My Positivity.

I have never had much positivity in general.  I tend to be ok with the not so good in things, and even find ways to make that situation a joke.  I am very uncomfortable in any serious situation and turn to making fun of something to make it more bearable to endure.

I realize this is not the best tactic for things.  I need to learn and teach myself to be more positive.  To not have this Debbie Downer attitude all the time.  I feel like sometimes I have kinda of had an unfair life, which maybe only makes sense to me and is only caused by me.  I just seemed to have struggled more and added more stress to my life and now here I am, kinda sad, kinda lonely, and kinda afraid of the future. 

I constantly worry.  I need to stop.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I have to stop allowing negative situations get to me, and try not to get involved.  Which is hard.  My work lately seems to be where negative energy goes to die.  It's so bad here, poor management, poor team work makes it hard to leave the negativity behind.  But I have to learn to be quiet.  Let things go and realize I have been here for ten years, it ain't gonna change.  It's work and it happens everywhere and I should be happy I have a job and a great boss, and a somewhat good team to be on.

So here it is, after this adventure of being let down I need to bring myself back up and rebuild.  That means staying away from what makes me sad and upset and only surround myself with postivity. 

So here goes nothing. 

Be Happy.

Am I Ok?

Sometimes I truly wonder if I am.  I am mentally ok.  This being "ok" thing is exhausting.  My friend and her husband had their egg retrieval today and I am envious because if this doesn't work for them they get five more tries...for free.  And I think it will work for them the first time and I am hoping it does.  Because they deserve it and want it so badly, but when you are unable to have a child you will always want it so badly.  I don't understand when that want will go away.  It probably never will, it will just be that itch that I can't scratch. 

I received yesterday the to bad so sad letter from our doctor, that she didn't really write and just signed.  I am confused about how my body is treating me, because I feel like it is treating me like shit.  And this scientific way of getting pregnant and it not work is like a giant middle finger that I see every day I look in the mirror and see my flat tummy.  I do feel like FML.  I do feel like I'm not ok.  I do feel like I need to find someone quick to help me with these feelings of self loathing I have.  No one should ever feel this way about themselves, and I am just to scared to take that first step to find someone to help me. 

Just kinda stuck here and not sure what direction I need to go. 

Strike Two

I think I have bad embryos.  How else could the nurses explain that this isn't working for me.  It is not possible for me to get pregnant.  It makes me sick.  I'm done.

Waiting...again.

Yesterday was just a terrible day of anticipation.  I had the worst stress diarrhea of my life, it was awful.  I couldn't believe it.  I am also it's a tell tale sign of my period coming.  Awesome.  My nausea and stress feeling didn't go away until after I was punctured for the blood test. 

I am leaving 1/2 a day today to head to the eye doctor and then will wait until my cell phone rings and to hear the poor nurse have to deliever bad news on the phone.  God they must hate that job! 

I am not sure what is next for us.  Definitely taking the summer off, but I need to know why.  Maybe I will find another RE to work with, even though I am supposedly dealing with the best in the state.  But if they are so good, why can't they knock me up.  What is wrong with my insides where nothing seems to be working?

I just don't know.  I am definitely past the breaking point though and know right now I can't handle it.