Thoughts........

I know, again it’s been a great while.  I am feeling deflated today, and maybe that is why I’m doing an entry.  A blog I read, a fashion blog, the owner had to go through IVF, it seems like on her first attempt pregnancy was successful.  I obviously don’t know this person, but why can’t that be me.  Where is my success.  Just makes me feel so defeated. 

To go back three months, our consult at RSC went well.  Dr. Pang is an interesting guy, very smart.  Reassuring.  Dealing with a Reproductive Science Center makes me feel better about trying this again.  He is not ready to jump to using a surrogate yet, which does not surprise me.  He wants to do PGD on our embryos.  Basically that is pre-genetic testing on all embryos to make sure they are as good as BS claimed them to be.  This decreases the chance of miscarriage and other health problems that our future child could be born with.  This testing comes at a significant cost.  $2,500-3,000 an embryo.  Last time I had 9 embryos.  I do think though BS overstimulated me that is why I had such a high embryo count.  But wow.  That’s costly.  On top of the cost of retrieval and medication.  We have already spent over a grand on chromosome testing on Nick and I.  Sadly, that cost is not that bad because insurance covered most of those cost.

It was also recommended that I have another hysteroscopy done and an endometrial biopsy.  Both were for Dr. Pang to get a better look at what is actually going on in there.  I have not heard anything back yet, but they are big on no news is good news.  So I’m hoping that is the case.  I was also prescribe Levothyroxine for hypothyroidism and Vitamin D for 8 weeks and then was directed to start taking a daily Vitamin, both of these levels being low can have an effect on getting pregnant.  I guess it doesn’t hurt, right?

I am not off the pill and in July will go in for day three labs to have my levels check.  Something tells me my progesterone levels will be low. 

We are considering, and have been for about a month to do a crowd funding website.  I’m scared.  But I guess you never know who really wants to help you if you don’t ask.  Putting our story out there makes me nervous as some people can be judgmental and see it as a way to scam money from other people.  I wish it didn't have to come to this, but in all honesty how can we afford to have a child without asking for help?   Maybe putting this struggle out there will make it easier and make people more aware.  Fingers cross something positive comes from this crazy life. 

I’ll be back………….

Wondering and Waiting

Tomorrow is our consult with RSC.  I’m nervous.  I’m nervous about meeting the doctor, which is insane.  I have no reason to be, it’s not like they are going to tell me anything new or different.  I had difficulty getting things from the Records department of Baystate over to RSC, they didn't include the embryologist report, which basically probably shows the grading of my embryos and quality.  Kinda important stuff.  This new doctor probably wants to know if it was my egg quality, which I don’t think it was.

We continue to get text from friends saying, baby is here…I always wonder when will that be us, when do we get that chance.  It makes me more sad than I can handle.  Even though I’m happy for those wonderful friends.  I just wish it were us.

I go and see my friend who had her IVF twins next week.  She has said she sometimes cries at night, I think that is normal, I think she may be overwhelmed and it’s a hard emotion to accept when you have dreamed of being a mom for the last four years.  So I get it and understand. I’m excited to see her. 

So, tomorrow…appointment is at 8.  It’s normally two hours long.  I have no expectations, but want to discuss all my possibilities.  I have to speak my mind and thoughts because that is part of this insane game.  You have to be your biggest cheerleader and completely pro-active. 

Until then……………

Time Flies...

June was really the last time I updated?  Wow.  Things never really got better.  Maybe easier?  I can’t be sure.  I did being acupuncture back in June, and preparing myself for a FET in August (2013).  The acupuncture was amazing, but by the end of this year, I was done with it.  The relaxing music started to drive me crazy and the optimism of my acupuncturist was beginning to be too much for me.  But I knew everyone just wanted the best for this round. 

Well, our transfer was August 19^th.  And I did nothing the day of transfer, I saw the acupuncturist an hour or two after my transfer and then was staying completely bed rested until Wednesday when I had to go back to work. 

While I felt ok, I had no real symptoms.  I went in a week later for my blood test.  They had once again transferred a great embryo and were all so hopeful.  And by mid-day on Wednesday, I found out, I was pregnant.  It was something I thought I would never know or feel.  Unfortunately by beta number was low, like an 8.  They want it at a 10+.  While hopes were high I knew this wasn't going to be viable.  I went in on Friday, for more blood work and hoping for a double in numbers, and it just didn't happen.  This round the only thing I had done differently was I changed to Progesterone Injections (those are fun) and acupuncture.  I thought both were the reason that something happened this time.

After so many failed attempts I was sure something was still wrong with me, on the inside.  I mean, I know it doesn’t always work right away, but eventually something works.  I went in for a sonohysteragram (sp?) and while that hurt like a bitch, everything looked ok.  Nothing was preventing me from getting pregnant.  I did have a fibroid, but it wasn’t one that would cause any issue or harm to a fetus.  We then scheduled what would probably be our final round.

I voiced my opinion about my body possibly rejecting the embryo, so they had me on a steroid leading up to my transfer, I started baby aspirin, my acupuncture wanted to do more castor oil on the abdomen and massages, and we would transfer two and we would do assisted embryo hatching.  I was mad at BS for not making a change this cycle, to not doing more.  Why was I making the suggestion?  I feel after all this, your voice is the only voice and if you have to go through this, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask what you want.  It seems sometimes that is the only way change happens.

So, this next transfer my mom came with me, my husband had no more time left, and she was more than willing to be there to support us.  We thought she would be our lucky charm.  After this transfer (we did two embryos) I went straight to have acupuncture and remained on bed rest again.  This time, the week prior to the blood test date I had headaches every morning, I thought it was from my jaw clenching.  But I think this was a symptom of pregnancy for me.  On that Wednesday I got the great news I was pregnant and my beta was 211!  This was promising, this was it!   We used our last embryos and we had done it.  haha…so funny.  I went in on Saturday for another blood test, it didn't go as high as the doctor would like (415), while technically it double, she sounded not so happy on the phone.  Monday I had to go back for another test.  Sadly, the beta dropped to 211 and I was told to stop all medication.  The funny thing is, you don’t really want to believe it until you get your period.  You believe it’s not true, that ok, so one didn't survive, but one could still be thriving.  It’s silly, but that is how I thought.  It was heart wrenching.  This was all in the month of November.  It was a shitty month. 

We fast forward to a week before Christmas and I get the most amazing email from my Aunt.  Saying she wanted to help me, somehow.  At this point I was off Facebook and my family was wondering where I had gone.  Facebook is your worst enemy when you are infertile.  She flips house for a living and had told me she had owed my cousin 5k but knew he never need that money back (he is a very successful video game creator/developer and doing well for himself), so she had asked what more he could do to help.  Well it was like out of nowhere my guardian angel appeared and it was a gift from God.  It was surreal to think that someone outside my parents wanted to try to help us achieve a family. 

So now it is a new year, 2014.  We have scheduled an appointment in March to meet with the Reproductive Science Centers of N.E. and see what they have to say about our lil journey here and possibly using my selfless sister as a surrogate.  Unfortunately, she has already looked in to getting insurance coverage for her and the cost is insane (10-15k) for her.  That’s a tough hurdle, but something will work out.  We have some time. 

I will write sporadically as this begins again and maybe I can post some financial findings too. 

Feeling less stressed than before……that’s a good feeling.