Getting Over it.

I have this problem where I only ever think of the negative.  I have been reading blogs lately about women going through IVF and all have been lucky enough to succeed on the first try.  How great for them.  How amazing for them.  But it effects me on a whole other level.  That out of all these amazing cases, mine will be the one that won't work the first or second cycle.  I'm never that lucky or blessed.  I'm bitter and over the whole thing.  I hate this feeling.  This feeling I have always have, jealous of what others get so easily.  I feel in my life this has never been the case, nothing ever came easy for me.  And because of this thought process I knew I'd never just get pregnant, it wasn't in my DNA to just get pregnant the cheap old fashion way.  My we are scrambling to save to make this work, and while I want to really try to save it's Christmas and I like to shop, it makes me feel better, but I should be thinking of they baby that I want more than anything and why is shopping making me feel better, when spending money makes me feel bad.  I don't know, I'm just sad.  I'm sad I feel so pathetic and it seems it's no ones fault but my own.  I can fix this right?  How do I get in to the right frame of mind?  How do I move on from this funk I've been in my whole life?  How easy is it to give it up.  Next year is going to be awful, I'm terrified of the mystery that is going to come, always the unknown and worry that I will feel during this process.  It makes me sick just thinking about it.