My last post was sad and tiring. This last week was a whirlwind. My bompa (grandma) was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday and they were saying she was going to probably not make it through the night. I received a phone call from my aunt asking/pleading for me to meet her and her husband an hour and half away so she could be with her mom. My aunt has never driven a car in her life. Of course I hopped in my car right away and sped away to pick her to see her mom. I stayed in the hospital that night with my dad, step-mom, and my two aunts until almost one in the a.m. when Bompa finally settled down and had stopped asking god to take her. She is 92 years old and has been through a lot. However, on this day, three days after being admitted is still in the hospital, embarrassed more than anything (insane, I know), but doing much better. They are now just trying to get her to eat more and cure the pneumonia that she has. Seeing Bompa liked this brought what it means to have a family in to perspective for me. I take such good care of my sisters kids. My sister is my closet being to me and knows everything about me. I would do anything for her children. It makes me sad that god forbid something happened to her and her husband that those kids aren’t ever going to be in my care, they go to my sister’s BIL. And I wonder do I have any business asking this to be changed? BTW, sister’s BIL has two kids, around M & E’s ages, and could possibly be out of a job by the end of this year. It just frustrates me so much. I care too much and it’s like a curse because I feel that isn’t appreciated. Or it is for a minute, but I feel like I am also taken advantage of. I want to be sure those kids are treated well by me, because someday I might need them more than they need me, and I won’t have kids of my own to help me like my dad was there for Bompa on Tuesday night. I’m just heartbroken over it.
I start acupuncture in a week and a ½ I can’t wait to get this final FET done. I hope my eggs survive the thaw and I hope that this acupuncture will work, but my hopes are low. I have a ton of doubt in my mind. I will never be a mom. And if that is the case I think it is time for a change, like a move. I’m ready to get out of here because really what is holding me to this place where I am just remind constantly that I’m not cared enough about and taken advantage of by our families. Just tired of it.
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