Confused About Everything.

So, my surgery is scheduled for Nov 6^th.  I’m having a hard time still trying to figure out what this all means.  Is it f-ed up that in my head I think the doctors are lying to me and just want to make mess out of my insides?  Isn’t that an insane thought? Who thinks like that?  Is it f-ed up that I don’t even know what I’m having done because I was such a hysterical mess that I can’t even remember anything after I heard the word Endometriosis?  I was never any good with asking lots of questions, I feel like the woman I know always have 20 questions for me, and my answer is “Oh, I don’t know?” With a confused look on my face.  Of course these women are all moms and maybe that comes with a being a mom, you ask a bajillion questions to make sure you understand everything, me I just shake my head. 

So I have been looking online, mainly for blogs about Endo and infertility.  I wonder how this all works, how many shots I will actually get to try and get pregnant.  If I am lucky enough to keep my insides once the surgery is done.  Scares the shit out of me, because I don’t know, what if my tubes don’t work? What if this comes back?  I just feel so confused, so lost.  I feel young and unsure and I hate it because I don’t know what is going to happen.  My dad comes home from FL on Sunday, I don’t even know what I am going to tell him, but I want him to know, but how do I even explain this?  I have to tell my boss something because I’ll be outta work for a week.  I know him and his wife used IVF twice, but I wonder why.  Did she suffer from this also?  I don’t know.  I’m full of don’t knows.  Maybe because I’m poor and my insurance sucks.  The doctor actually asked me if I was planning on finding a new job anytime soon.  Who asks that?  Last time check companies aren’t just hiring anyone these days. 

So my head hurts and I think about living with out painful periods come November.  I wonder how the blood work came out that I had one.  It scares the sh*t outta me. All of this.