Sometimes I truly wonder if I am. I am mentally ok. This being "ok" thing is exhausting. My friend and her husband had their egg retrieval today and I am envious because if this doesn't work for them they get five more tries...for free. And I think it will work for them the first time and I am hoping it does. Because they deserve it and want it so badly, but when you are unable to have a child you will always want it so badly. I don't understand when that want will go away. It probably never will, it will just be that itch that I can't scratch.
I received yesterday the to bad so sad letter from our doctor, that she didn't really write and just signed. I am confused about how my body is treating me, because I feel like it is treating me like shit. And this scientific way of getting pregnant and it not work is like a giant middle finger that I see every day I look in the mirror and see my flat tummy. I do feel like FML. I do feel like I'm not ok. I do feel like I need to find someone quick to help me with these feelings of self loathing I have. No one should ever feel this way about themselves, and I am just to scared to take that first step to find someone to help me.
Just kinda stuck here and not sure what direction I need to go.
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