Weekend Time

Waiting for the weekend is the worst, but it's fast approaching and I can wait to be home with the hubby with a lot of distractions.  I am going to be doing things most people wouldn't dream of while in their two week wait, drink me some red wine and get around to painting a bathroom.

I'm in better spirits today, again could be that it's Friday.  I don't feel pregnant so I hate to waste the weekend worrying about everything I could do wrong.  Will I be ok when I hear the nurse tell me the bad news?  Probably not, I am sure her sincere voice will still cause a break down, hence the half a day that I am taking.  I do have a plan for after Wednesday, to get in shape, like I have never been before.  To treat myself better than I normally do.  To run like I have never ran before.  I never been in bad shape, indulged too much, sure, but out of shape no.  And then in the fall we figure shit out and try again.  I am ok with that.  And maybe I will get the summer babies I always wanted.  In the mean time I will have deal with everyone around me getting knocked up without shelling out six grand and having amazing success stories and posting uterus pictures on facebook.  I will have to deal with my IVF buddy possibly getting pregnant and being ok with that, which I will, because we have been there and I know what its like and I will pray their babies will be amazing how ever many they choose to have.

It's sad that I feel the same way I did after the first transfer, nothing new and unusual.  I never wished for anything more than to feel cramps that aren't period related or be brave enough to take a hpt and see a positive, I can't even imagine that.  How insane that these small little milestones have been stolen from me without me ever realizing I could never have them.  I thought yesterday, as I sometimes do, in my funk silly things I did when we were trying and the hope that comes with each month, and that I put myself through these silly scenarios that all women that are trying go through, I shake my head thinking, "silly rabbit, getting pregnant is for girls with tubes that work!"  So yes I'm sad, it failed, my body failed me.  And there is no reason behind it, no answer.  Not even a doctor can tell me what is wrong with me.  Where did this body come from?!

Til Wednesday.....