I feel so out of sorts around my family and my in laws when there are holidays to be spent together. I basically hate it, and as much as I love the aspect of seeing the kids, it just reminds me, constantly, that I am never going to have what they have. And it makes me sad and feel like a failure. I wish I could be optimistic, but it's definitely not easy. I feel, almost daily, that I did something so awful in my past that I am being punished by God and that he refuses to bless my life with a child. I think we all feel this way, everyone in these shoes I wear. It's rough.
I really don't even like to be asked how I feel, and get the sympathy look, it's the most annoying thing in the world. I don't want to play the martyr at all, and I try not. I definitely feel like not part of anything. No one wants to take mine and N's picture because we aren't a family, so why bother asking us, right? But here let me take pictures of you and your kids and your family, because it's perfect. I just don't think anyone knows, other than the people going through this sh*t like me, knows how it feels. How uninvolved you feel, and tense, and anxious.
So, that was my Easter, which I hate to even celebrate because we don't do religion in my family. So why bother? I wish N and I had stayed home and we could have avoided both families. And that would have been OK.
Where is April 22? Can't come fast enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment